Male Species I Just Can't

Here we are, just two little days away from the day of my birth. AKA My most favorite holiday of the year. And yes, birthdays are absolutely holidays.

Today I've got to chat about something I've learned in nearly 26 years of swimming in the dating pool and that thing has to do with the male species. I should note that this post is clearly my own opinions and also, as always, to be taken as lightly and not seriously as possible. So, if this offends you maybe just remember that I'm one less person you have to worry about being attracted to your man friend. You're welcome.

Male Species I Just Can't.

The Meat Head. This guy loves himself more than he'll ever love you, also more than you'll ever be able to love him. Don't even think about eating that box of Bagel Bites you're craving, he will call you out on it and probably insist you miss a meal and head straight to the gym to tighten up. Get ready for a life of sneaking McDonald's fries behind your man's back and lying about what you ate for lunch.

Check out your man mid-argument. Promising.

The Retired QB. This guy is still living in his glory days when everyone shouted his name from the stands and he had a different fangirl in his bed every night. You will continue to hear stories about the old football days, complete with photos, for the rest of your life if you settle down with this one. That is, if you can actually find yourself one of these who is interested in a committed relationship.

Meet your new man, the retired QB, Uncle Rico.

The Bro. Good god, this guy wears more pastel than you and there's a good chance he spends more time on his hair than you do. He loves to make an entrance in his silver BMW 5 series and taking chicks up to the fancy penthouse he lives in downtown, thanks to mom and dad. Sit back, relax, and start drinking heavily, because you're about to endure an entire evening of listening to The Bro talk about himself.

His closet is far more colorful than yours could ever dream of being. Sorry, girlfriend.

The Shy Guy. This one has all of the potential to be one of your favorite types of guys, especially if you met him at a bar. He's favorite potential right up until that liquid courage leaves his system and the conversation turns one sided because he's too shy to speak up. Sorry chick, unless you have plans to keep your man consistently drunk for the first 3ish months of dating him, you're probably not going to get much out of him. However, if you can make it passed those first few drunken nights, you might have found yourself a winner. Godspeed, my friend.

Your destiny, shall you choose to remain sober.

The Rockstar. He sings to you, he's a little scruffy, and you absolutely can not bring him home to meet your parents, but he's got all of the right words and knows exactly how to use them. The Rockstar might just be the most dangerous of all because he's so damn irresistible. Only issue here is that there's a 99.99999% chance he's playing you just as well as he plays his guitar. He's most likely sweeping at least 2 other girls off their feet at the same time you're swooning over him and, well, you are just another flavor on his menu.

Meow. Look, just try to resist touching, ok?

And there you have it, an entire post proving that I'm pretty much bound to be single for the remainder of my life. Don't say I didn't warn you though.