"We Are Watching"

Saturday 31 August 2013

"We Are Watching"

Place pennies next to rappers
who can't wrap their minds around hip hop;
choking on the same cake
the first Poets burned at the stake for.

We are not the last ones.
We are the first to view the worst
in a world where chivalry is thirst.
We are the apex where texts mean rough sex.

We observe the dark arts:
the very savagery of hidden fantasies.
Well placed tapestry this generation calls "Thirst Traps."
Hear the claps?

You won't hear many because
they only clap long enough
to distract us from their envy.
We clip their fishnets at the seams and crush gleams.

We also have the glimmer of sinners;
but the differential is when we clap hands,
we aren't taking a chance.
We sound without our pants down.

Resound without night gowns.
Bra straps popped
in front of fitted cap merchants
who champion their sermon
while praising the vermin.

We stand as the first ignored and seldom explored.
We write sex and cause bandwidth wrecks.
We say how we feel
and you say "That's real."

We see the truth but you want the stories.
We fall victim to perception
but we are not your categories.
Skim through it all and crawl.

Before you can scrape, scratch or sprawl,
you're taught how to "catch the wall"
against those who only stand tall
to deliver to the giver.

We can see the black water
gushing from the river.
You gorge forcefully;
ready for more slight in refreshment
to infect the connected.

We are free to pay homage
to those who were in bondage
yet we swiftly trade in the reins
for shackles and chains
like the untamed for fame.

We are not the answer.
We are not protection.
We as Poets know
that most questions need direction.
Know who leads before you proceed.

He who sows the seed
cannot neglect the garden.
You have killed our roots
but the heart must never harden.
Far then, but closer to you still.

If you've had your fill,
stand with us and state your will.

Written By: Devin Joseph Metz

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Reasons To Love Football Season

Friday 30 August 2013

Happy friggen Friday, world. Today is a really, really good day. Why? Well, there was college football on my television last night, for starters, also I'm sporting a Florida State shirt proudly today and that always puts me in a great mood.

Yesterday after mentioning my love for football a few of you commented, admitting that you just don't get it and can not with football. If I was a shitty friend, I'd let you all just go on saying such things with no rebuttal, but I'm a damn good friend and so now we all need to have a chat about a few reasons you should, at the very least, put up with the next few months of solid football bliss.

Tailgating
If you don't know the joys of waking up to kegs, eggs, and beer pong, that would be your first problem here. I don't care if you loathe the sport of football, put on your party hat and get yourself acquainted with the sport of tailgating.

Shit Talking
Friendly competition is fun and exciting. There's nothing I love more than roughing up a Gator fan or two. Get your sailor mouth in check, know your facts, have a couple beers, and talk some shit about your team's rivalry.

Easy Wardrobe
When you have a football team you love, it makes for a pretty simple weekend wardrobe. All you have to do is find an outfit that includes your team's colors and whabam, you're good to go. No need to exhaust that hungover brain of yours.

Bonding With Strangers
I'm not sure if you're aware but the majority of cities have bars that are designated for certain teams. For instance, there's a bar here in town called One Eyed Jacks and it's Florida State Seminole paradise on game days. Throwing up my tomahawk chop with a bar jam packed garnet and gold wearing fans is always exciting and fun.

ESPN's College Gameday
Saturday mornings during football season are meant to be spent eating bacon, drinking a Miller Lite, and watching College Gameday on ESPN. Also, as side note on this one for the ladies, if your man gets out of the shower and you've got College Gameday on the TV, there's a good chance he will never let you go.

Hello, sexy.
So, diehard football fans will absolutely roll their eyes at this one, but just remember that I'm working on converting some non-football fans over here. Sweaty men, grunting, being all competitive, and wearing some seriously tight pants... SEXY. #sorryimnotsorry

Christian, I'll always love you. XOXO, Whit

So, this weekend when your friends invite you out to watch a little football, I expect you to join happily and report back Monday (or Tuesday if you're taking the day off) and tell me you had the greatest time ever. Just do it.

This post also means I get to linkup with Sarah!



And now, let's all back our football loving azz's off. I have been hardcore jamming to this one lately...

It's #backthatazzup Friday!

The purpose: To start our weekend with some fantastic jams.

The station that inspired it: "Back That Azz Up" on Pandora Radio.

The rules: Link your jams up and have a jam sesh with all of us!

Click here for a tutorial on how to embed a song in your post.

Happy Friday!
Grab a button, pick your jam, link up and let's get this weekend started off on the right foot!

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7 Things I'm Currently All About

Thursday 29 August 2013

If I posted any later today, you'd be in bed by the time you read this. Work is always getting in the way of things, I swear.

Let's chat about a few things I'm loving right now, because I know you absolutely care.

1. This gorgeous and dainty Karma necklace from K.O. Designs. Not only does Kim make the prettiest things, she is apart of the blogging community which makes me that much more amped to support her business!

2. Fantasy football. Holy bananas, September 5th can't come soon enough. I'm ready to eff some shit up and win all of the moniez! Also, my team name was all Sarah, which is unfortunate considering I'm about to take her fantasy team down in just one short week. Sorryboutcha, Romosexual.

3. Speaking of football, COLLEGE MOTHA FUGGIN FOOTBALL IS BACK. More importantly FLORIDA STATE football is back and will be on my television Monday friggen night. Hallelujah, amen. Thank you sweet baby Jesus for college football.

F-L-O-R-I-D-A-S-T-A-T-E

4. Old Fashioned. I can't get enough of this drink currently. Errrywhere I go, I gotta have an Old Fashioned. If you like whiskey/bourbon, go order one next time you're at a nicer bar. I prefer mine with Jack.

5. Sinful Colors - Sinful Shine. This cheap polish is the tits. It didn't need a top coat and it stayed on for about 2 weeks. For the hefty price of $2, I'm all about that life.

6. This quote. Because I am constantly being told I've lost my mind, now I know why.

7. This picture of Desi and I from last Saturday. Because we are really the biggest little kids in town.

And that's what I've been loving on lately.
Who's backing that azz up with me tomorrow?

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Stop The Madness

Wednesday 28 August 2013

Can we talk about abbreviations for a moment today because I, for one, am starting to feel like the use of them is spiraling out of control.

SMH (Shaking My Head)
No. JUST No. Why is this a thing and where did it come from? I hard cringe every single time I see this abbreviation because it's just ridiculous. Why can't we just be all, "I'm totally shaking my head right now"? Is it that hard? I just can not.

b4 (Before)
Please, for the love of Fireball, someone tell me right now how damn hard it is to type four more letters out? We live in a fun world where technology has many smartz and unless you're on Twitter you can type out as many letters as your little heart desires. Be one with your keyboard and type out those other four letters. You can do it, I just know it.

U (You)
See above. Just no.
Also note: Coming off as an educated human is sexual and awesome.

LMFAO (Laughing My Fucking Ass Off)
To this one I say, PROVE YOURSELF. If you use this, you better not come near me the next time I see you unless your ass is, in fact, gone. Further more, if I have said something to you to make you laugh so hard it's as if your ass is going to fall off, just go ahead and tell me because that would make me laugh as if my ass was going to fall off in return.

Speaking of laughing...
Hehe (I hate you)
This might be the second most offensive behind that first one up there, and I realize it's not really an abbreviation but just go ahead and roll with me here. Anytime someone directs a "hehe" at me, I instantly assume said person hates me and that's their way of telling me. No one laughs like that in real life. NO ONE, I say. And if you do, well, I'm sure your laugh is very... interesting.

LOL (I hate having fun)
Just go ahead and see this post by Sarah. She covers this one better than I could ever attempt to.

TTYL (Talk To You Later)
Let's just go ahead and leave AOL instant messenger lingo in the drawer your old Myspace account is stuffed in and call it a day. You are talking to your friend, pretty sure it's clear you will speak to them later. No need to abbreviate it and leave on that note.

IDK (I Don't Know)
As in, "i onno how 2 type on dis komplikated keybordz". Spell it out, friends. Go all in, balls to the wall, you can do it and I will be here cheering you on.

K (You're dead to me)
Really though, if this is the only thing you text me at one time, you absolutely hate me. Plain and simple. The only thing worse than "K" is "hehe K". Awful, horrible, no, just no.



Now, I'm not saying all abbreviations are eyesores, because there are some that I'm quite a fanatic of. For example, but not limited to:

YOLO (You Only Live Once)
I know the rest of the world hates it, but if you use YOLO with me I'll probably love you forever. It's a damn classic and I'm going to beat that horse into eternity.

LYLAS (Love You Like A Sister)
I'm holding on to this one like I'm holding on to my hope of Nysnc getting back together and going on tour. Hashtag 90's for life.

HOMAGAH (Holy shit, oh my god, this is going to be good)
Probably my favorite and if you've texted and/or messaged with me, you've probably seen me use it. It's a favorite and I think I need it on a tank top, or something.

FYI (For Your Information)
This one always comes off sassy to me, which is probably why I like it and I'm allowing it to live out.


And that's all I've got for you today.
Go get your hump day on.


*Don't let this post offend you if you are a user of any of the above words. All in good fun, friends. All in good fun.

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Why Miley, Why?

Tuesday 27 August 2013

Hey it's me, that yoga pants chick who's supposed to blog 5 days a week. Except for when something as tragic and upsetting as the Miley performance at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards show happens, you just have to walk away and hope it goes away. Over 24 hours later, I'm still being forced to see my beloved BFF look a horrible, disturbing mess and, well, it was means for taking an entire day off from blogging yesterday.

I needed a day to mourn. 

Why Miley, just why?

Maybe we could just... I don't know, maybe start by putting that tongue back inside of your mouth. Or in Liam's mouth... if he still wants to claim you after whatever it was up there that you did. I just don't know that I would be able to let you back in our house after a solid 10 minutes of dry humping teddy bears and Robin Thicke, while making some type of Kiss face and feeling yourself up with a foam finger.

What. Was. THAT?!

The entire time I just couldn't help but to imagine that Billy Ray was probably in the isle of the audience looking similar to the mom from Mean Girls.

And now I'm slightly concerned that this is the next step for Miles:

And that's almost as terrifying as that strange teddy bear/Beetle Juice orgy I was forced to witness yesterday.



For some reason Miley wont answer my posts and tweets, so I had to bring in backup.


Smiley,

Abort mission. You're no longer just being Miley. Let's kick it old school again and bust out our classic duck faces while you practice your Hannah Montana lines. I'll bring the sweet tea.

Forever your best friend,
Lesley

Miley,

I miss the days of living on your head, making girls of all ages jealous of us. We took the world by storm and continued to get longer and longer. We were fabulous as Hannah and even more fabulous as Miley. Now that you've traded me in for bangs on the back of your head, I might as well just go clog someone's drain somewhere.

Baby come back,
Your Weave

Miles,

I know it's been a while since we've talked but I can't help but to notice how, uh, experienced you seem to have gotten these days. My mom says we can't hang out if you keep acting like this because my purity ring will go up in flames if it comes around you.

Missing Hannah,
Nick Jonas

M. Dawg,

Hey girl, it's me, your old party friend. I feel like we've really grown apart and our friendship isn't nearly as close as it used to be. I've heard you're partying with some sketchy people lately and I'm feeling really hurt by it all. Aren't I fun anymore?

Yours truly,
The USA

Ms. Sassy Cyrus,

Stay far away from umbrellas and clippers... and that other stuff you've gotten into recently. Also, stay away from backup dancers and body guards. Really though, just take my word for it, straight jackets are, like, so uncomfortable and ugly. I highly doubt there's room to "twerk" in them either.

Wishing you luck,
Britney Spears, y'all

To the chick who made a scene on MTV Sunday,

Thank you for being you.

Sincerely,
Ben Affleck, the new Batman

I don't know how that last one got in there, I also don't know how he managed to score that role. Either way, let's just hope Miley will listen to these letters. I will now go crawl back into my cave of sadness and continue mourning this tragic happening.

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Creative Therapies

Monday 26 August 2013

Two years ago I blogged about Lucas being a "speech therapist in training." I wouldn't be surprised if he does end up on a career path involving therapy!

After Kayla's first couple of visits with the vision therapist Lucas put some imagination into some 'therapies' that he created at home.

On a side note: I think Kayla is going through the beginning stages of puberty. I know! But the emotions! Oh my goodness. The littlest things set her off. She does this fake/whine/cry sound thing when she's upset over something; which seems to happen more often than not. Lucas has become really in-tuned to her feelings and tries to cheer her up or do things to distract her. One time in the car she was upset about going home and was going on and on with this cry and Lucas asked us to put on the song "Call Me Maybe" because he knows she loves that song. And it worked. She stopped crying and started singing along. He uses music a lot when they're upstairs playing and she gets upset he'll put on a CD so she'll start dancing instead.

One day she was just having a bad day. Moody. Emotional. You name it. I was upset with her about something. We were both getting frustrated.

I finally took a time-out for myself. Then I gathered her up in my arms and made her lay down with me on the couch to just chill out. She rarely does this and resisted at first. I just kept trying to talk to her and asking her to use words to explain to me what was going on. She finally relaxed enough to just be there with me on the couch.

In the mean time Lucas said he was going to draw Kayla a picture because he wanted to cheer her up and make her happy. He brought this picture over to us and whispered to me that it was also a "therapy picture."

The animals at the bottom of the picture are sheep and he wanted Kayla to pick out which sheep was different. I guess since hearing us talk about her convergence insufficiency he wanted to see if he could help her eyes work together.

Several days later Lucas was concocting something in the front room. When he finally told us we could come see it he said it was a 'therapy game.'

You had to stand behind something and throw the bean bags over the first 3 boxes and get them to land in the middle of the set of boxes in the back. He was so proud of himself.

He told Kayla she had to stand behind his line and she couldn't go OVER the line. Kayla looked at his line and followed his direction of not going OVER it. She went AROUND it instead so she could be a little closer when she was throwing her bean bags.

I love to watch his creativity develop - because I have none myself!
 
 

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The Girl in the Red Shoes

Sunday 25 August 2013

Hey there, friends. Hope you're enjoying your weekend!

Today I want to introduce you to one of the hottest blog mama's I've ever seen. Meet The Girl in the Red Shoes... or Julie, if you want to be all technical and stuffsss! 

Hi Yoga Pants readers! My name is Julie and I'm a lifestyle-meets-new-mama-blogger over at The Girl in the Red Shoes. Now that I'm a mom and my life is sort of boring, I kind of live vicariously through Whitney. But in reality, we could totally be the same person.

We both know how to take a great selfie.

We love us some pool time.

We have excellent taste in our choice of dessert.

And it's obvious we both know how to get ready for a fun night out.

Clearly, we are both photogenic. 

And we know that it's cool to wear sunglasses indoors.

So, do you see what I mean? It's really hard to tell us apart. 

In reality, I'm a wife, full-time working mama, have the cutest almost one year old son Hudson, am a lover of teenage TV dramas (Pretty Little Liars is my favorite!), and somewhat of a DIY decorator. I would love for you to stop on by my blog and say hi! You can also find me on Instagram at girlintheredshoes. I promise not to post too many pictures of poop.

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Karly Kim's Got Her Yoga Pants On

Saturday 24 August 2013

Happy Yoga Pants Saturday, erryone! Today I am introducing you to someone with more Twitter followers than Kim Kardashion. Everyone meet Karly Kim!

1. Why did you start blogging? 
I've always wanted to be a writer. I thought I'd see if people other than my parents enjoyed my stories. It also felt like a safe place to post all of my selfies.

 2. What inspires your writing? 
The lowest common denominator of humans, new clothes, small animals and candy.

 3. What's your favorite post and/or posts you've written so far? 
-  http://www.karlykim.com/2013/07/ur-ugly.html 

-  http://www.karlykim.com/2013/08/the-almost-bachelorette.html

 4. What's the funniest thing you've seen in a while?

Caption: My brother is so embarrassing. 

 5. What's your current favorite #backthatazzup jam? 
If by current you mean 2010, then I pick Dynamite by Taio Cruz. I dare you to listen and not get psyched.

Head on over to Karly's blog and say hello!

Blog  |  Twitter  |  Instagram

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Rite of Passage

Friday 23 August 2013

If you grew up in the military you know that military brats have a 'rite of passage' that happens when they are 10 years old.

10 years old is that magical age when a military child can have their very own I.D. card. It's exciting! You feel more grown up with this I.D. card that you see adults showing everywhere they go on base.

I still remember the day my dad took me to get my first I.D. card. 

It was a big deal to be able to show my I.D. card when we went to the BX, or movie theater. I learned to never leave home without it!

Leading up to her 10th birthday I kept talking to Kayla about getting her own I.D. card after she turned 10. Shortly after her birthday we drove past the base and she said, "What about on base? What about my I.D. card?"

I don't think it'll mean the same to her as it did to me ... mainly because we don't live on base. When I was growing up we always lived on base. And when we lived at Hanscom AFB in MA it seemed everything was pretty much in walking distance. I walked to the Youth Center, Bowling Alley, BX, Commissary, movie theater, pool. Different place, different time.

I will have to make sure to take Kayla's card with me when we do go on base. I know she'll want to show the gate guard (even though she doesn't have to) because she sees me do it. I'll have to take her to the BX so she can buy something and show her card to the cashier.

So a rite of passage passed down from one generation to another:





And the picture of myself, at 10 years old, getting my first I.D. card...

 

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"Idle Thoughts Part 2: Drunken Stroll"

"Idle Thoughts Part 2: Drunken Stroll"

Sprawling through the streets
like sheets bunched together,
I've surely worn my leather
In pursuit of you.
You....prancing about in glee
So fancy and free;
Not quite cheerfully
But nowhere near demure.
Thoughts this distinctly impure
Would not be easily received.
Maybe you aim to deceive.
Maybe I should turn and leave……

Still walking.
Remaining true to whatever is due.
Refreshingly stale. Routinely new.
I guess I'm still following you.

Wrought within it all
are memories of her phone calls
Months before I spent my nights
At bar tops under dim lights.
Her my refuge from the storm;
My protection from the swarm.
Harm at bay throughout the day
Until I can steal away;
And wash away after escape.
She would snatch away my cape,
Hold me close within her grip
And kiss each tear that lined my lips……

…………your hips………
Familiar in their sway.
Quite nostalgic, one would say.
I'd be further along my way;
But this liquor stirs within me.
Balance will not befriend me.
I stumble into the street
As I begin to lose my feet.
Feeling rugged. Hanging tough.
I suppose I've had enough.
Passers by so grim and gruff.
I just dodged another truck……

And I'm still walking.
Not so resilient but true to whatever is due.
Briskly stale. Commonly new.
Looks like I'm still following you.

For sake of reason, I wonder:
Are you always this seasoned;
Pouncing without one misstep?
Two turns left
Then across the median.
I mean am………am I?
Am I part of something greater?
Will you whisper "See you later"
After leading me this far?
Can you see the scars
Underneath my shirt and slacks?
Will you invite me back?
This feels intimate and preposterous.
Erogenous you may appear;
But are you aiming to endear?

Too intrigued to trace my fear;

So I continue walking.
Steadfast and true to whatever is due.
This life so stale. Your presence new.
Why wouldn't I follow you?

Let's see what we get into…………

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Written By: Devin Joseph Metz

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My First Brazilian

So, yesterday a sweet little Swedish woman by the name of Anastasia gave me my very first Brazilian wax. Here is a compilation of thoughts during the 10 minutes I was spread eagle on her table...

"Alrighty then, here we gooo."

"This is a position you don't get into every day... or maybe you do. Ha. Ha."

"What... What's going on down there?"

"Wait, a fan? But why?"

"Oh, poking. This is..."
*riiiip*
"I think this is where I'm supposed to yell 'KELLY CLARKSON'."

"Ok, that wasn't so bad. No big deal. Round 2 - challenge accepted."

"Woahhhh Anastasia, at least buy a girl a drink first. Shit."

"There she goes with the poking again."

"Ooook, that's warm... and close. Really close."

"Anastasia, what kind of girl do you think I am?!"

"Sweet lord, what the fuck did I get myself into?"

"Oh. OH. Um... What the shit?"

"Does this come with a happy ending?'

"This damn fan... I can not."

"What the fucking fuck though?"

"Welp. Safe to say I now know what it's like to be molested by a wax covered popsicle stick."

"Tweezers? No... Make it stop. Make it stop. Get the fucking tweezers away from there."

"No one's getting swamp ass on Anastasia's watch with that god damn fan around."

"Is this position some sort of joke right now?"

"Ashton, where are you?"

"Oh, lotion. Ok. Ok. Oooook, Anastasia. Enough of that."


Overall, is wasn't terrible and I'd absolutely do it again.
Did it hurt? Well, of course it was uncomfortable having wax ripped from sensitive areas of your body. Mostly, I was on the verge of laughter the entire time. THE entire time. I mean, it was harder to control my laughter during this wax than it was the day the woman next to me in yoga let out a massive fart. (Maturity level: 4) Pretty sure Anastasia thinks I'm certifiable. Also pretty sure she could be on to something.

You know what hurt worse than the wax? Baby tat number 5.

Mofo might be a baby but lawd have mercy, that was a devilish spot.

Anywhoodles, I'm off to knock out this work day and then it's off to the beach for the night to see Slightly Stoopid! Have an awesome weekend. Let's jam!

I am feeling this baby makin song by Ciara right now.

It's #backthatazzup Friday!

The purpose: To start our weekend with some fantastic jams.

The station that inspired it: "Back That Azz Up" on Pandora Radio.

The rules: Link your jams up and have a jam sesh with all of us!

Click here for a tutorial on how to embed a song in your post.

Happy Friday!
Grab a button, pick your jam, link up and let's get this weekend started off on the right foot!

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