Why Miley, Why?

Hey it's me, that yoga pants chick who's supposed to blog 5 days a week. Except for when something as tragic and upsetting as the Miley performance at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards show happens, you just have to walk away and hope it goes away. Over 24 hours later, I'm still being forced to see my beloved BFF look a horrible, disturbing mess and, well, it was means for taking an entire day off from blogging yesterday.

I needed a day to mourn. 

Why Miley, just why?

Maybe we could just... I don't know, maybe start by putting that tongue back inside of your mouth. Or in Liam's mouth... if he still wants to claim you after whatever it was up there that you did. I just don't know that I would be able to let you back in our house after a solid 10 minutes of dry humping teddy bears and Robin Thicke, while making some type of Kiss face and feeling yourself up with a foam finger.

What. Was. THAT?!

The entire time I just couldn't help but to imagine that Billy Ray was probably in the isle of the audience looking similar to the mom from Mean Girls.

And now I'm slightly concerned that this is the next step for Miles:

And that's almost as terrifying as that strange teddy bear/Beetle Juice orgy I was forced to witness yesterday.



For some reason Miley wont answer my posts and tweets, so I had to bring in backup.


Smiley,

Abort mission. You're no longer just being Miley. Let's kick it old school again and bust out our classic duck faces while you practice your Hannah Montana lines. I'll bring the sweet tea.

Forever your best friend,
Lesley

Miley,

I miss the days of living on your head, making girls of all ages jealous of us. We took the world by storm and continued to get longer and longer. We were fabulous as Hannah and even more fabulous as Miley. Now that you've traded me in for bangs on the back of your head, I might as well just go clog someone's drain somewhere.

Baby come back,
Your Weave

Miles,

I know it's been a while since we've talked but I can't help but to notice how, uh, experienced you seem to have gotten these days. My mom says we can't hang out if you keep acting like this because my purity ring will go up in flames if it comes around you.

Missing Hannah,
Nick Jonas

M. Dawg,

Hey girl, it's me, your old party friend. I feel like we've really grown apart and our friendship isn't nearly as close as it used to be. I've heard you're partying with some sketchy people lately and I'm feeling really hurt by it all. Aren't I fun anymore?

Yours truly,
The USA

Ms. Sassy Cyrus,

Stay far away from umbrellas and clippers... and that other stuff you've gotten into recently. Also, stay away from backup dancers and body guards. Really though, just take my word for it, straight jackets are, like, so uncomfortable and ugly. I highly doubt there's room to "twerk" in them either.

Wishing you luck,
Britney Spears, y'all

To the chick who made a scene on MTV Sunday,

Thank you for being you.

Sincerely,
Ben Affleck, the new Batman

I don't know how that last one got in there, I also don't know how he managed to score that role. Either way, let's just hope Miley will listen to these letters. I will now go crawl back into my cave of sadness and continue mourning this tragic happening.