Realizing You Deserve Good

Sometimes when I come to this blank white box, I just start jotting down the first thoughts that come to mind and those four words up there have been tap dancing around my head lately. I just can't seem to shake them and when that happens, you know it's time to put on the serious yoga pants and give this blog another dose of Whitney brain vomit.

Figured I'd play some mood music for you, just in case you really wanted to get in my head.

Anyways, back to those first four words I find myself struggling with lately.
Coming out of an unhappy relationship can make you feel an infinite amount of emotions. Some days are hard, some days are incredible, some days are liberating, some days are depressing. Since I've been single for a good while now, I've had my share of this array of emotions, but recently I've been experiencing a new one and it's shaking things inside my brain up a little bit. Or a lot bit.

My previous relationship was anything but a joy ride, if you couldn't tell by the caring and thoughtful way he spoke to me here. I left that relationship feeling like a huge part of me had been stolen and my self confidence was at an all time low. It's taken a lot to get me back to my normal self, feeling good about who I am and seeing a person I love in the mirror again, but I think I'm finally coming back around to the old me.

Words are so damn powerful and can absolutely destroy a person. I think I was destroyed by words for a while there, so much so that I sit here today typing this because I'm now having a hard time accepting good in my life. For the first time in lord knows how long, someone speaks to me like I actually have feelings, and a heart, and it's proving to be really difficult for me to accept. There are so many questions that continue to haunt me, not only in my brain but in my heart as well.

Why me? Why do I get to be happy? What about ____, she's such a good person, doesn't she deserve this more than me? Why? How? Why, why, why me?

My friends tell me this is what I deserve. That this happiness is what people who have been through the depths of relationship hell get to experience eventually. But why? I continue to ask. I just... I just don't know how to let it sink in that happiness in a relationship, as well as life in general, is plausible. That being with someone who respects your feelings, your beliefs, your decisions, your actions, your everything, can actually be reality. That being with someone who has your back and cares for your well-being is a real life kind of thing. Because none of that has been my reality. That's been what I read about on fluff blogs and what I've seen in movies. Most definitely not my reality though.

I feel like this is coming off so ominous but I promise that's not the place I'm in anymore. Honestly, I'm happier today than I can ever remember myself being. Not just in relationships and friendships, but with myself. Mostly, I'm amused. I'm amused by the sheer fact that there's an internal battle going on in my head over why I'm being treated well and why I'm in a place of happiness. It's hard though, it's a struggle to walk out of a place where I've been put down, and stepped on, and walk into a place of happiness where I'm not forced to constantly watch my every move.

Each day that passes gives me a little more assurance that I do deserve good things, but I still find myself waking up and asking "why me, why now?" and that's something that I guess time will conquer. At least I hope it does. Because I want to believe my friends when they tell me that it's because I deserve this. I want to feel that confidence in being happy and accepting that this is how it should be all of the time. I want to stop asking myself "why?" and just start accepting things for what they are. Slowly but surely, through the struggle, I want to finally realize that I do deserve good.