Big floppy hats and bingo.

Yesterday when I got home from work I was greeted by two very demanding white dogs who wouldn't stop yelling at me. Yap, yap, yap... take us on our motha fuggin' walk, you ho... Is what I'm pretty sure they were saying to me. They were loud and rude and, really, I was starting to feel like it was time to list them on Craigslist to remind them who's boss around here.

Then I got to thinking, there really are FEW things on this planet that excite me the way going on a walk excites those two damn dogs of mine. I mean, really, one of them is bouncing around in a circle, like a damn moron, and the other is just howling at me like she's the wolf and I'm the moon. It's madness.

You want to know what would get me hopping around in circles right now? If you told me we were going on this...

I love cruises. Really, there's not a much better way to vacation, in my personal opinion.

I've got the booze smuggling thing down to a science which just makes it all that much better. It also, kind of, makes you feel like a bad ass. Or maybe that's just me. Either way, I'm a big fan of filling my "soda" tumbler full of sweet tea vodka and lemonade, all while parading around this big ass ship with no cares in the world.

Check out that seemingly innocent cup.
To which I say... this is how we do it. 

For the record, here's how I prefer to smuggle my booze on the ship. Experiment at your own risk, it's every man for themselves. If you get caught, it ain't my fault. Did I do that?

I've also smuggled booze on via Listerine bottles. Let me just say, for the record, this is not the greatest idea unless you're a big fan of Listerine flavored vodka. Which I am not. That vodka was only tolerable once I was too drunk to notice... Which was about drunk enough to where it was bedtime. You can see the issue there, I'm sure. 

Stick with the plastic "flasks", they're pretty damn handy.

Though I have to tell you, I've considered trying one of these babies out. Maybe filling it with some Chardonnay? 

Why the hell didn't I think of that!?

In addition to the boozing, you get to eat your heart out the entire freaking time. Last cruise I went on, I ordered two friggen steaks at dinner and three desserts. Unlimited steak and creme brulee is a sure fire way to put a smile on this girl's face.

Well, until the next morning when I remember I have to be in a bathing suit all day long.
Enter: more sweet tea vodka and lemonade.

Anyways, the moral of today's story is that cruises make me as happy as a dog going for a walk.

I think it might have something to do with that fact that my phone gets zero service on it and it's one of the only acceptable reasons to entirely disconnect from the world.
And maybe a little bit because it's acceptable to have an alcoholic drink with an umbrella in it in your hands at all times of the day.

And wear big floppy hats.
While playing bingo.

And now I really just want to be on a big ass boat in the middle of the ocean.
Who's with me?


PS. Don't forget to enter my sponsor giveaway. You don't win a cruise but you could win like a month's worth of Starbucks.