My Bouquet Is Free Of Carnations

Every once in a while something will go viral on Facebook and I'll end up clicking on it, typically against my will. Yesterday this post was more popular than those stupid cartoon nonsense things, so I took a chance and read it. I read it twice, I sent it to a few others, and then I sat at my desk and let every single word marinate within me. 

What's ironic is that I read it the day after, what would have been, my first wedding anniversary. Heavy stuff, I know, but it honestly resonated with me and has so much truth to it. Everything that post covers, everything that post says, it's the brutal truth of being in love and considering taking that next step of sharing the rest of your life with your significant other. 

See, for me, I now see these kind of things through extremely clear eyes. Even at just the ripe age of twenty-six, I can honestly say that I've experienced enough in this particular topic to throw my two cents out there and I do believe I now know the difference between truly loving someone and just loving someone to fill a void or an expectation of where your life is supposed to be. I guess that's what happens when you experience not only the thrill of being engaged, but also the humiliation of said engagement failing, all before turning twenty-four years old.

I was incredibly optimistic about "love" in my early twenties. Consistently in relationships I would convince myself that he was the one or that it was love when, in reality, none of those sentiments were even close to being accurate. Lust, perhaps, but mostly they were fillers, like carnations in a bouquet, because I thought I needed to start settling down. The idea of playing house was far more exciting to me than anything else and I took on any carnation I could to make my bouquet just full enough to look perfect on the outside. Unfortunately, on the inside, they were just carnations. Nothing special, nothing to go out of my way for, nothing anyone absolutely had to jump through hoops for to obtain. 

Like the post I mentioned above, I was all in it for me and that stupid fucking picture I had instilled in my brain of what my life was supposed to look like at that given time. One of the most challenging things I came to realize, once I finally distanced myself from my last failed relationship, was that the picture I had stuck in my head was never going to happen. I was already passed the age I painted myself getting married at and I was approaching the age I painted myself starting a family at (Keep in mind, I've never been, and still am not, a fan of kids.). It was time for me to erase that image from my brain and start living the cards my real life deals me. 

It's funny, I never saw the cards playing out the way they have over the last six months and I could never have predicted my life to have fallen into the place it is right now, today. One of the main reasons that post resonates with me so deeply is because if I would have read it a year ago, this passed Sunday, I would have thought it was ridiculous and a far fetched cry for attention. Now, here I am, relating to every last word. Writing my own post, admitting to my own faults, and realizing life has been so much more enjoyable since someone else's heart became more important to me than my own. 

I do admit I was an extremely selfish person to date prior to a little over a year ago. I've changed, though. It's not all about me anymore, that's not what makes me happy anymore. 

My happiness today stems from being in a committed relationship with someone who is equally as in tune with my emotions, my feelings, and my wellbeing as I am with his. I'm finally with someone who inspires me to be the best me possible so that he can wake up every morning happy, and so that he can fall asleep at night knowing that he is so, incredibly, cared about and means the absolute world to someone else. 

For the first time in my entire life, I want to paint my picture with someone and not try to force someone into a foreign picture neither one of us belong in.

For the first time in my entire life, my bouquet is free of all carnations and it couldn't be a more stunning arrangement.