Dear Miley

Dear Miley,

Hey girl, how you doin? Pretty awesome, I'm assuming, considering that kick ass song you released yesterday blew up faster than it takes you to put a Hannah Montana wig on. Anyways, hi, I'm Whitney and sometimes I wear yoga pants to work. I've seen some photos of you wearing yoga pants, I'm assume that you were going to work, too. Sometimes I also wear your concert T-shirt to work, I like to think it's a great conversation piece.

I'm writing you today because I've decided we'd make the most perfect besties ever and I know that probably sounds a little bit creepy but I'm pretty harmless. For the most part. 

You see, we have like eleventy bazillion things in common. For instance, I used to be engaged once too. It didn't work out so well, and your fiance is a shit ton more attractive than mine was (which is probably helping you stick it out a little longer than I did), but I like to think we could rock the single life together. If you wanted to introduce me to, say, Adam Levine or something like that, I'd be ok with it. I've got a few guys in mind that I think you could have some fun with, we'll talk details later.

Next up, let's talk about alter egos. You had the whole Hannah/Miley thing going on for a few years. Guess what? I have an alter ego, too. It doesn't take a wig to bring her out, no, instead it takes a cocktail or two and then she shines like a Christmas star. Her name's Nancy, I think you and her would really get along well, she thoroughly enjoys shaking things up. I'll tell you some stories about Nancy when we hang out, most of them aren't appropriate to share here but I know you'd approve.

If we ever went out together, we'd twerk it up to the maximum extent. Fo sho. If you wanted to wear unicorn onesies, I'd be cool with that too. I like tutus, we could really do some twerking in matching tutus... or not matching, if you prefer. You can totally bring your bestie Wiz along with us, he seems like a cool dude.

Lastly, we're both obsessed with our dogs. Dog people are just better, in general, as I'm sure you know. Well, I'm totally a dog person. Our dogs could be besties just like us and then we can go rescue 70 more pups and have a whole farm a fluffy K9 love. Tell me that doesn't sound like the best thing ever?

Anyways, I'm sure you'll be calling soon. Let me know when you want me to come over and I'll be there with a super sized box of Bagel Bites and a unicorn onesie on, ready to twerk the night away with you.

Love ya!