Things I May Never Learn

While brainstorming for something to post here today I rubbed my eyeball, causing my contact to fold up like a paper airplane and dry out just enough to annoy me for the remainder of this work day.

And then I decided it was probably time for another edition of shit I haven't learned in nearly 26 years.


Nearly 26 years and I still haven't learned...

Rubbing your eyeball, which has a contact chilling in it, will cause you misery for the rest of your day. Cut it out, homie. XOXO, your left eyeball.

Sleeping in your makeup is never, ever a good idea. Ever. And you'll always regret it when you wake up the next morning. Especially when you wake up looking like someone tried to induct you into the band Kiss in your sleep. Not a good look.

Putting multiple cuss words together in a sentence that makes little to no sense is always a great way to look like a crazy person. Even if it does relieve stress.

Going back to an ex is pretty much always a horrible idea. There's a reason they're an ex. Set it and forget it!

Picking up a $3 bottle of wine from Walgreens almost always means you will feel an immense amount of pain and regret the following day.  Light on the wallet, heavy on the angoverhay.

Oversleeping never ends well. The dogs still need to go out, your boss is probably waiting for you, and you look like hell. Just wake up when your alarm goes off and get over it, sister.

There will always be someone who wants to bring you down but you can never let them succeed. You just have to let the negative Nancy's go off and continue to suck the fun out of life in their own corner of the world.

Playing the same song on repeat will eventually get very, very old. Enjoy it when it comes on but let's trying not to repeat it 10 times at a time.
Except for Wagon Wheel... that's the exception, always.

You should always go potty before you paint your nails. Without fail, every single time your nails are wet you've probably got to pee.

When Aaron Carter follows you on Twitter and then tweets you twice, you should not get ecstatic and tell the entire world. Because you are not 12 anymore.

No matter how hard you try to be a rockstar blogger who plans and schedules posts, you just can't do it. You're a roll with the punches, wait until your contact folds up in your eyeball kind of girl. That's all there is to it.