Carving pumpkins sucks and I'm using paint next year.

Last night we decided to carve some pumpkins. You know, get a little festive. How fun!

This wasn't my first rodeo - I mean, I've carved a few non-masterpieces in my 25 years, my pumpkin is obviously going to put his to shame. Duh.

Problem number uno: we had no pumpkin carving kit.

No big deal, those kits are just glorified knives, right?

Wrong.

So boom, I remember a lovely little carving technique I saw on Pinterest during a night of drunken pinning. Cookie cutter, hammer... something along those lines.

Seemed easy enough, let's run with it.

Now the joke is really on the guy carving with a steak knife. Muaha!

Problem numero two: I had compassion for a pumpkin.

While the boy strategically picked out the most perfectly round, upright pumpkin, I chose one I felt bad for. 

This leaning pumpkin needed a friend and I was the girl for the job. There's nothing wrong with a little gangster lean, or scoliosis if your spine looks like mine. Rock on, gangster pumpkin.

"No power tools in the house, Dale!" the boy says to me as I bust out my festive pink hammer and I just go to town, pounding this innocent cookie cutter into my lifeless gangster pumpkin.

Bing. Bang. Boom (x20). My cookie cutter begins to appear it is taking on some type of gangster lean of it's own. 

No longer really a heart - no big deal. I don't really bake anyways.

Problem number three: I don't enjoy cleaning out guts.

So now that I finally got the damn cookie cutter to make some type of fancy design in my lopsided pumpkin, it turns into more of a pumpkin guts peep hole than cute heart pumpkin.

And I'm spent. Exhausted. Over it.

Meanwhile, the guy with the steak knife is creating some type of classic, Halloween masterpiece...

With teeth and all.

Kiss my grits.

Moral of this story:

Carving pumpkins sucks and I'm using paint next year.