The Judgment of Bartenders

So lemme tell you 'bout my best fran ....



See?  Best frands.

I'm just kidding sillies, we aren't really Rob and Big.

My chesties aren't as voluptuous as Big's. Duh.

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Oh heyyyy everyone.  I'm Tyler from Arkansassy.

While my Rainbow Brite sparkle friend Pretty Whitty is off moving into her pink Princess Palace, she asked me if I could play substitute teacher.

Of course, I said yes.  Because, as it turns out, we're pretty much the same person with different hair colors.

I thought long and hard about the sage wisdom and ridiculous stories I wanted to give y'all.  I thought about telling you guys how I once got my tongue stuck in a bottle, or about how I sometimes dream about Sasquatch, or the time I lost my keys in the yard and blamed the dog.

Instead, I'm gonna fill you in on a secret.

Y'all ready?

Bartenders judge you based on what you drink.

Meep.  Sorry.

I bartended for quite some time, and lemme tell ya - what you drink defines who you are.  Bartending a restaurant, you don't see all of your patrons, so you just imagine what they look like in your head. You guess what they wear, how old they are, what their story is ... I think this is a skill somewhat inherent in bartenders.  Like a booze-slinging gypsy, we just know your story.  Maybe that's why everyone confides in us and tells us their deepest secrets.  Who knows. 

Tip: this game is especially fun in a college town.

Without further ado, let me tell you all about it.

(and please remember, this is all in good fun!)

Vodka and soda/water: 

This says, "I want to drink and be fun and go out with my friends, but I also want to lose weight."

See also: I will black out and probably cry about something completely random, like thinking I've upset my mother because I haven't talked to her in two days, because I haven't eaten all day either.  Then I'll throw up, get carried out and sleep for twelve hours.

Frozen drinks/ tropical drinks:

You are fresh off the 21 ship.  I remember the first time I got drunk, too! :)

Plus, Mai Tai sounds soooooo adorbs.  

And it's a play on my name, so I can't even fault anyone on that sort of cuteness.

Red Bull & vodka:

I like to party.  I also like to be completely out of control and cause my heart to stop.

Boone's Farm/ malt bevs:

You're probably using a fake ID.

Natty Lite/Keystone:

You're probably shacking in a frat house tonight.

PBR:

I'll bet you're wearing black rimmed glasses with non-prescription frames and watching Grey's Anatomy ironically.  Probably in some sort of flannel garb.  Looking cute, no doubt, but ironic nonetheless.

Cosmo:

No, I'M the Carrie!!!!

Gin Martini:

No, girl, you're the Samantha.  Rawr.

 DirtyVodka Martini:

I want to appear classy while still wanting to basically drink straight liquor and get fall-down drunk.

Glass of wine (bottle):

I'm a real class act.

Until I drink the whole bottle.

Then I fall down, and I can't be classy anymore with wet pants.

Glass of wine (box):

I'm a class act and fiscally responsible.

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I'm guilty of drinking all of these, so I think that pretty much means I have some sort of not so borderline personality disorder.  I will say this, though: the Cardboardeaux is a good time.  I'm obviously a little biased.

I'd love to hear y'alls booze judgments.  Am I wrong with my judgments, or am I missing anything?

(and don't worry, Whitney will be back next week!)

If y'all get bored sometime, come on over and play with me!

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