My World Will Never Be The Same

On Wednesday afternoon as I left work for my four day weekend, I figured I was about to embark on four days full of gluttony, sleeping in, drinking too much, visiting with friends who were in town visiting for the holiday, and most definitely bringing home this year's fresh Christmas tree. What I didn't plan for was the tragedy that happened on Friday.

On Friday, the day after a Thanksgiving I couldn't have planned to go more perfectly, my life forever changed. 

On Friday, the day after the real start of the holiday season, I lost a piece of me I can never get back.

On Friday, November 28th, my tiny, three pound, little prince, Sebby, took his last breath. 

For the last year, since moving into the apartment I'm in now, Sebby has always had a bizarre fear of the appliances here. Specifically, the dishwasher and clothing washer. Whenever I've turned either one of these appliances on over the last 13 months, he instantly began hyperventilating and trying to climb or dig himself into strange places all over the apartment. Once said washer was done doing it's job, everything would go back to normal with him, as if nothing happened. 

Over the last 13 months I tried everything from natural dog sedatives to wall plug-ins that release some type of pheromone for calming dogs. Nothing worked, but I continued trying because I always felt so guilty for putting him through the stress, even though I can assure you there was never a reason for the anxiety said appliances caused him. Then again, Ella has suffered from anxiety when it storms for over 7 years and nothing horrible has happened, so I honestly never expected Sebby's anxiety to be any different. 

I was wrong. So wrong.

On Friday, November 28th, my tiny baby boy got spooked for the last time after he attempted to climb to the top of a decorative chair and fell off the back, directly onto the back of his neck. There was no sob, no whimper, no nothing. He just laid there, lifeless. My baby boy. My three pound ball of furry, unconditional, love. 

He was gone. My Sebby is gone. 

I begged for him to wake up for me. I pleaded that he could have the entire bag of his favorite cheese that I was holding near his tiny button nose if he'd just wake up for me. I took his extra, extra, small harness off the hook it was hanging on and jingled it, in hopes of him getting excited for a walk like he had just been three hours prior. 

Nothing. My baby wouldn't wake up for me. He left me. 

I keep praying to wake up from this nightmare. I keep praying that those pictures I've seen in my head for years, of Sebby being the beloved big brother to my future children, they'd still be able to come true. I keep praying that when I slide open my shower curtain, he'll be standing there waiting for me, as if I've been gone for a week. I keep praying that Ella's chase partner will come back to bite on her back legs even though she hates it. 

But he doesn't. He hasn't come back. It's been two days since I laid him to rest in my parent's backyard, where he loved to run and play so much. I know I dug that hole that would soon be my baby's grave, and I know that I kissed my lifeless angel on the forehead before I wrapped him in his favorite blanket to snuggle in for eternity, but I just don't want to believe it. I hurt.

I just wish I knew why this was his time. I wish I knew why my tiny boy, who loved me more than anyone or anything in this world has loved me, had to leave me so soon in his life. 

I miss him. I miss these small stairs placed in front of my sofa having a purpose. I miss needing to fill up two bowls of food and watching both dogs fight over one of them. I miss him leaping into his camo harness, no bigger than the size of my hand, so excited to go on a walk. I miss the feel of his tiny paw, tapping my hand, demanding I pet him and give him attention. I miss it all. I miss him. 

This pain is unbearable and the tears never seem to stop streaming down my face.

I just want my baby boy back.

Rest in peace, my sweet, angelic Sebastian. You are forever a piece of my soul and I hope you are surrounded by unlimited snuggle sessions and quantities of your favorite cheese up there. I love you so much more than I had time in your short 7 years to show you and will never forget how much you loved me on my best and worst days.

My world will never be the same.

**As much as I truly appreciate the heartfelt words and sympathy, comments on this post are turned off, as I just don't feel I have it in me to respond with the incredible amount of love and appreciation as each one of you deserve. Thank you all very much for everything, I'm truly lucky to have the support of this community right now.**