homeAs the parent of a child who has an intellectual disability I have to, I need to, be my child's voice - until she can speak for herself. And even then I will continue to advocate on her behalf.
The problem is I haven't been very good at it. At least not the part where I confront other people about their language. I still struggle with that. I don't like confrontation. I don't like controversies. I don't like drawing attention to myself. I don't like uncomfortable situations. Yet I need to start speaking up, louder, and finding my voice.
What I'm struggling with in finding my voice is bringing to someones attention when they use the r-word: Retarded or Retard in the slang way it's become common and acceptable to do now.
The encounter usually happens with someone I don't know that well, someone I just met, someone I only see in a social situation once or twice a month. It's usually in a conversation taking place within a group. And then someone casually throws out, "Yeah my husband does x,y,z cause he's retarded like that."
I'm usually shocked by some of the people and places that I hear it being used. I didn't expect to hear it from a professional, from the military spouse of so-and-so, in the workplace between employee and client, from someone who knows Kayla, and on and on. I just didn't expect you to use such an ugly-sounding, derogatory, offensive word - especially when the English language is so full of many other adjectives and verbs and nouns. Can't you find another, more appropriate, word to use instead?Is it really that hard?
What I want to say is:
"Actually, no, your husband is not retarded for doing x,y,z."
"No, that movie is not retarded because you didn't like it."
"No, those shoes are not retarded because you don't like the style."
"No, you are not retarded because you spilled coffee on yourself."
"No, that rule is not retarded just because it doesn't seem to make any sense to you."
"No, you're not retarded because you over-reacted to something."
"No, he is not retarded just because he did something that was silly, foolish, or childish."
"No, really, you're not retarded because you tripped over the curb."
"No, the server is not retarded because he didn't get your order right."
"No, that equipment is not retarded, it's just malfunctioning/not working right."
I also want to say, "Please change the word. Find a different word to use for that situation you are describing. It really hurts me to hear you use it that way ... I have a daughter with an intellectual disability."
Instead I groan inwardly and think to myself, oh no, you use that word? I feel a wall go up. How do I stop the conversation and change the topic completely? Usually there isn't a chance to pull the person aside and talk privately. So instead of making the whole group feel uncomfortable, I'm just the only one that is uncomfortable. I'm also afraid that if I bring up why that word bothers me then I'll get looks of pity because I have a child with Down syndrome...and I definitely don't want your pity.
Yes, I know, you weren't referring to my child. You didn't mean it in that way. It wasn't actually being used about someone who has been diagnosed with mental retardation*.
But in a roundabout way you did. Because what did that word originally mean?
Dictionary.com defines the word retard(ed) as:
1. To make slow; delay the development of or progress of (an action, process etc); hinder, impede.
2. To be delayed.
The origin of the word is Latin and means, again, to delay, protract, to loiter, be slow.
That's it. To be delayed. Which became a medical diagnosis for people who were delayed, or slow in their development.
But then it shows this:
Slang, disparaging
a. A mentally retarded person
b. A person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way.
Slang dictionary for retard:
A rude nickname for a retarded person (derogatory and unkind.)
Urban Dictionary's thesaurus for retarded shows these words: stupid, dumb, gay, annoying, crazy, ugly, drunk, ignorant, loser.
How far the word has changed from the original meaning. It has become so derogatory that Rosa's Law was passed. *This law changes the use of the terms 'mental retardation/mentally retarded' from federal health, education and policy, to 'intellectual disability and individual with an intellectual disability.'
Please stop and think about how the word retard(ed) sounds when it's used in every day conversation. Use another word. Take your pick: ridiculous, silly, doesn't make sense, klutz, accident, made a mistake. Use crazy, ugly, drunk, ignorant, loser if it fits - but don't use retarded in their place, because it shouldn't be a catch-all word for all those negative words.
Because my daughter, my beautiful, full-of-life, strong-willed, determined, amazing, capable, beautiful daughter ... is slow. She is delayed in her learning. She is delayed in her cognitive thinking skills. If she were born years ago she would have been slapped with the label of being mentally retarded.
Take the pledge to eliminate the derogatory use of the 'r-word' in every day speech and promote inclusion and acceptance of people with intellectual disabilities.
It's not about being politically correct, or free speech, it's about doing the right thing. It's about respect. It's about using the appropriate word in the situation.
And it's about my daughter. And all the other people who have intellectual disabilities.
Home
Post a Comment