Grieving Is Weird

Hey guys, I just wanted to pop in for a minute here because I know I've been a bit incog these last few days. In my defense, I've been pretty incog in my daily life, as well, so it's not just you, I promise. I'm pretty sure my friends are starting to think I'm never coming out of my cave of an apartment again, bear's probably convinced I'm just going to cry 70% of the day everyday for the rest of eternity, and I'm assuming my boss is about two days away from find a new, less weepy, employee.

All of that aside, I did manage to put some shit on that munchkin christmas tree I bought the other day.

I guess you could say that the halls around here are officially decked, which is what I was instructed to do by a lot of you the other day, so I actually listened. Consider that a first. Admittedly, it does add a little extra light around this cave and, so, credit is given to those of you who insisted I decorate the munchkin. 

This whole grieving thing is so strange to me. I mean, I lost my grandmother, someone who has been in my life for 26 years, about two months ago and I was hardly phased, as horrible as that makes me sound. Admittedly, seeing my mom in so much pain was harder for me than actually losing my grandma, mostly because we knew the end was coming and I had a year or two to mentally prepare and really get my last goodbyes in.

With baby Sebby, I didn't have that time, which I'm assuming is maybe why I'm taking this so much harder. Also, he was my baby and like so many of you have said, our pets are our children.

But back to the grieving, it's weird. I can physically feel myself going through the cluster fuck of phases one goes through when they're grieving the loss of someone. I get so angry, yet I'm sad. I sometimes have to grab my chest because the emotional pain hurts so bad. Then someone will tell me something that resonates and I feel a sense of happiness that my baby lived a great life, yada yada yada. Honestly, this last week I've felt like an overly emotional woman going through menopause, or something.

Mornings and nights hurt the most. Getting out of bed in the mornings has proven to be a harder task than getting out of bed the morning after an aggressive night of partying. And at night I just plain miss his company and his tiny snuggles. Nights were always our time to kick back and relax together. I try to constantly remind myself of all the amazing times we shared together over his little lifetime, but there's still things that really trigger the devastating pain.

Time heals all though, right? Right.

Lastly, I just wanted to share something, sort of, amazing. Today marks one week since I laid my Sebby to rest under the magnolia tree in the backyard at my parents' house. Said tree has been in that backyard for as long as I can remember, easily 8 years, says my mom. Never once has that magnolia tree bloomed, their gardener has been telling them it's because the tree doesn't get enough water where it's located. Well, today my mom sent me this photo of the magnolia tree, now sporting the most beautiful, magical bloom I've ever seen.

Rest in peace, my sweet angel boy. Mama loves you forever!

On that note, I'm going to head out of here. I'm so sorry to those of you who were looking forward to #backthatazzup this week and I promise it'll be back in full force next Friday. I hope to see you all there. 

Have a great weekend!