Whitney's What the? Wednesday

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Reading through celeb gossip this week was slightly painful for me, mostly because I just don't understand how some of these idiots are making $100,000 an episode and I'm just over here waiting for my offer. It'll happen, self. Yes it will.

This week we're starting with two stories from two different Glee stars. Who knew such happy little characters could be up to no good?

Cory Monteeth, or however it's spelled, has been shipped off to live with LiLo. Kidding, kind of. He's off to some, I'm assuming, fancy rehab facility to deal with his "substance abuse" probz and his little girlfriend, Lea Michelle, is just so proud of him for getting help. 

Seeing as how this is Hollywood and not real life, my guess is she's going to hit the road soon... Which is probably good because I've heard LiLo is all about the fresh meat. Good luck, Cory. I'm sure the writers of Glee are so pleased to be rewriting episodes now that you'll be absent for at least two of them. Tough life.

I'm not really sure if any of you watched So You Think You Can Dance back in the first few seasons when it was a really, really awesome show, but I watched Heather Morris get rejected on that show which made me really sad, until she landed a spot on the Glee cast list. Homegirl can dance circles around JT and Ursher, as far as I'm concerned. Anyways, I'm babbling and not getting to the point. She's got a little critter growing inside of her!

Yayyy, Heather. That little spawn is sure to come out with moves like Jagger from the second it takes it's first breath!

You know why I'll make an awesome celebrity one day? I'm sure you're naming a million reasons, duh, but the one I'm thinking of is because I love to make dumb decisions. However, one Z list celeb has just confirmed that I'll never be the dumbest celeb to walk the planet. One hit wonder, Ryan Cabrera, recently played a game of "tattoo roulette", as he called it, with his friends where they blindfold one another and choose the tattoo for the other person. Ryan's new addition?

Freaking Ryan Gosling on his leg. For life. 

I'm sorry but if Ryan Gosling is going to be anywhere on me for life, he's going to be physically on top of me. Shirtless.

The end.

Apparently Heidi Klum is some sort of super human and I would be lying if I said I wasn't horribly drenched in jealous of her, just in general. Seriously though, she just took her perfection to a new level when she saved her kids and freaking nanny from DROWNING. What a boss!

Eat your heart out, Baywatch.

You go, Heidi Coco!

Last up today is slightly depressing. I'm not really sure why I'm ending on a depressing note but it just feels right. Bradley Cooper, that sex pot, isn't really much of a sex pot right now and I'm just really sad about it. He had a little visit from the 80's, also known as a perm, and I'm just so unsure about this new look.

Whyyyyyy, Hollywood, whyyyy? I can't even take the photo on the left even a little bit seriously.

Jerry curls aint your thing, Bradley.

Thank goodness for hats... Call me, sugar plum.

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Whitney's What the? Wednesday

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Here I am again, back in the center, stressing about the time of day I'm posting at. Then I remembered what my boo Jesse McCartney once told me when we were having a personal conversation. He said, "don't stress. don't stress. don't stress. just tell him to the left left left.", and I just thought about it, took a breather, and here I am.

Let's chat about some celebrity gossip, shall we?

Rapper Lil Wayne just got out of ICU from his overdose on my new favorite word, Sizzurp. (Seriously, what a great word. I've been trying to use it in every day jargon.) Thanks to TMZ I spent way too long stressing over this overdose on Saturday night because they reported that he was being read his last rights and that he was on life support and all of these horrible things which all turned out to be a big, fat, Kim Kardashian ass sized lie. Can I get an amen?

I'm thinking rehab with LiLo is Weezy F Baby's next stop but what do I know? I imagine getting this one off the sizzurp is going to be about as difficult as it was to find a photo of him that wasn't going to scare people off of my blog. He's like a blog scarecrow. Wait, what?

Speaking of LiLo, homegirl got glitter bombed on her way to court the other day. (Anyone else positive the bomber was Ke$ha?) Of course she was like 30 minutes late, sporting her favorite zero-shits-given outfit, and managed to dodge yet another jail sentence. And by dodge a jail sentence I mean that she agreed to some more rehab, a little dash of psychotherapy, a touch of garbage picking up, and a tiny little slap on the hand.

I bet she still has glitter in her hair.

It looks like another Hollywood couple bit the dust this week. Katy Perry and John Mayer have reportedly broken up. Again. Ho hum. I'm actually surprised that Johnny boy was able to keep it in his pants for her this long, she should get a medal or something because I think this has been a record for him.

I'm not really too sad about this break up. One, because Katy Perry is a totally dime and I'm sure she's got a million of dudes dying to motorboat her and two, Johnny Babe can come sing me a lullaby now.

This isn't really news, or shocking, but another Teen Mom star is up to no good. Farrah Abraham almost hit a cop car while she was drinking and driving, and she blew a whopping .147 which is almost double the limit. Oops. The best part of the story is that she had to go be all dramatic on Twitter, trying to insinuate that the story is a lie.

You know, because the breathalyzers cops use typically aren't accurate at all. Or always.

You know what's cool about being a famous athlete? You can cheat on your smoking hot wife with multiple strippers and bartenders, go through a uber public divorce, and still manage to find yourself a girlfriend. That's right, someone is dumb enough to date Tiger Woods and she's also an athlete. I'm not really sure where this chick's brain is but she lost it somewhere and she needs to go find it before Lil Wayne scoops it up and makes some Sizzurp out of it.

How long until Tiger's wood can't stay in his pants anymore?

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Whitney's What the? Wednesday

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Let's start this week off with my favorite sexy boyband man turned solo artist, slash movie star, slash all around marry-me-please man, Justin Timberlake. Who knew he had it in him (and those little CeeLo hands) to fire back at Kanye after Kanye talked smack about the JT-JayZ-Suit & Tie duet? Not me, that's for sure. Maybe it's because I'd be genuinely scared of Kanye intruding on my winning an award in the near future, but I just wouldn't want to stir things up with him.

It's a good thing our Nsync heart throb is nothing like me because he just went on Saturday Night Live and basically told Kanye he was going to let him finish but.... "awww, my hit's so sick got rappers acting dramatic". As if I couldn't love this man anymore, he just keeps on making me swoon. I like to think T.Swizzy got a nice chuckle out of this. I know I did.

If you were unaware, Lady Gaga has recently cancelled the last leg of her tour due to an injury. Monsters everywhere are sobbing while I didn't realize she still existed but, low and behold, she does and she is rocking this injury like it's her job. Which is actually, pretty much, exactly what it is at this point considering she can't really do many strange and bloody piano performances now that she's out of commission.

So, in true Gaga form, she is riding dirty in this gold wheelchair which screams "diva", if you ask me. Do your thing, Gags. 

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star, Adrienne Maloof, has been up to some frisky business. And by that I mean that she has been cougaring it up with Rod Stewart's cougar bait son, who is 20 years younger than her, for about two months now. I don't know about you but I can't imagine anything that could possibly go wrong with this picture. Except for everything.

And everything is exactly what went wrong. She broke up with him because she needs "a man". Well Adrienne, as they say, "on to the next one". Get your cougar on, girl. 

I wasn't going to mention Tay Tay Swizzy today since I mentioned her last week but, once again, she's in the news and I just couldn't let this one pass by. It turns out some overly enthusiastic dumpster diver woman found a large bag of fan mail addressed to Swizzy and decided it was her duty as a law abiding citizen to go straight to the media with it. Letters adorned with heart stickers and glitter flooded the bag with no hope of Tay ever seeing them. You know, because I'm sure she always reads every single letter that people send her. One at a time. Over a glass of wine. You know, just like I do.

I know, first hand, that receiving mass amounts of fan mail can be entirely exhausting. I just hope she didn't offend any goat fans because I'd really like those videos to keep on rolling out. (insert goat emoji here)

And lastly, probably the worst news of the week. Worse than the 16+ celebrities and politicians who have been hacked (yes, that happened too). Something that I feel personally effected by, because I am a 13 year old teenybopper. It appears that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are donezo. Caput. Fineto. They haven't been spotted canoodling in quite some time, which is way out of the ordinary for them, and also I'm pretty sure Liam cheated on Miley which makes me loathe him, despite that gorgeous face of his. All of these things aside, there's been multiple "insider" tips insisting that the ring is off and they have parted ways. Sigh.

I only wish that she would come to terms with the fact that her and I are meant to be best friends forever and ever so that we could do the newly single-and-ready-to-mingle thing together.

And really, I can't go on anymore today. 

I need to go sulk in that last bit of news and pray that Miley doesn't pull a Britney and shave that little bit of hair she's got left on her pretty head.

A moment of silence for Miley and Liam, everyone.....

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Whitney's What the? Wednesday

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Well, I think I've finally recovered from my Monday night escapades and I'm ready to wash, rinse, drink and repeat again tonight. Just kidding, kind of. Maybe not quite to the extent I took it Monday but maybe a couple blocks over.

It's Wednesday and if you've been here for at least a week you know what time it is.

I've got to start with the king of celebrity gossip himself, Perez Hilton, who has recently brought home a new baby boy. Like, a real life baby. As in, he is now a father. To say I didn't see that coming would be a vast understatement and I'm just not really sure if I'll understand this one. Ever. Maybe because he never, ever mentioned becoming a father. Either way, I hope he leaves the crying up to the kid these days and takes a break from sobbing vlogs.

I think it's safe to say this kid will never be a fan of Will.i.am.

One of my favorite Teen Mom wrecks, Jenelle Evans, appears to be back in rehab. Again. After she just get out a whomping 3 days ago. She says it's for her son and blah blah blah, but I think we all know her mom Babz probably caught her hanging out with KEIFAH and forced this upon her. Regardless of the reason, she's in a first class seat to Amber Portwood status and I'm, personally, enjoying watching the train wreck.

I wonder if KEIFAH went with her this time? Lovers who drug together rehab together.

If you've been living under a rock then there's a pretty good chance that even you have heard that Kim Kardashian is knocked up with the spawn of Mr. Immaletyoufinishbut Kayne West. Kimmy, who was once known for her sex tape fabulous style, seems to have forgotten how to dress herself now that her eggo is prego and I feel embarrassed for her with every new photo that surfaces. This one, in particular, has been pared next to photos of Shamu and, while I wont go that far, this is pretty rough.

Kimmy, if you're reading (duh, why wouldn't you be), it might be time to visit a maternity store or three. Surely they have those in California, right?

My favorite trouble maker from Laguna Beach, I refuse to graduate to The Hills, is planning her wedding. Again. Kristen Cavallari and Jay Cutler have been through more relationship up and downs than T.Swifty, but it seems now that they are back on and on the way to the altar. After calling off their wedding the first time, they ended up pregnant and now they're back together and registered at Williams Sonoma for all of the over priced waffle makers and appliances their hearts can desire. 

If I were Jay Cutler I'd be meeting with my attorney immediately to write up the prenup. Not that a prenup would be much help at this point. You know what Kanye says, "She got one of yo kids, she got you for 18 years". Good luck to ya.

And lastly, but never least, my favorite little serial dater, Tay Tay Swizzle, recently did a very uncensored interview with Vanity Fair magazine that created quite the shitstorm. Not only did she say that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler have a spot reserved for them in hell, she also decided to make it publicly known that she has, in fact, only dated two guys since 2010. I really wish there was video of this interview because I can only imagine the interviewer letting out the loudest roaring laugh of Vanity Fair history. I mean, who is Swifty trying to kid here?

Love you girl, but you might just want to own up to your scandalous ways because I think it's safe to say that no one is going to believe this story whether you stick to it or not. 

PS. The song "Dear John" came out in 2010... and John Mayer was not one of the two she's "dated" since 2010. So... there's that.

Honesty might be the only policy in this case.

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Whitney's What the? Wednesday

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Well hey there Wednesday, we meet again.
I just spent a good portion of my morning at an office furniture store in search of the perfect desk chair for my new office. My boss legitimately made me sit in about 40 desk chairs, which turned out to be incredibly awkward, so just let that sink in and paint a picture for the kind of day I've had so far.
In case you were wondering, we finally agreed on one and it now sits in my new, empty office.


Anyways, let's get this show on the road.

Janet Jackson is married. Again.

Just go ahead and let that marinate for a second because if you are anything like me, you haven't heard her name since around the time where JT introduced us to her right knocker. Her husband's name is, once again, something I can not pronounce but for the sake of this post I will refer to him as Wiss.i.am the Man. Close enough.

Their wedding gifts to one another were donations to charity, or something very celebrity like that. My guess is that one of these said charities is probably the culprit of leaking these super secret nuptials. Either way, congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Wiss.i.am the Man. I guess.


Nicki Minaj wants to be an actress.
Because, in case you were wondering, what she is currently doing is not actually considered acting. Having 7 personalities doesn't equate to one actress, apparently, and now I'm just confused as to what it takes.

Big, huge props to that agent. This is sure to be an interesting ride for whoever she found to take that job on. Here's to hoping she finds someone to work with her on that British accent she's always trying to pull off.


MTV recently aired one of their classiest shows to date that even puts the worst Snooki days of Jersey Shore to shame. Buckwild is the name and I may, or may not, have found myself shamelessly tuning in to watch this train wreck on the regular. Well, it turns out that one of the stars of the show, Salwa, has been arrested for trafficking drugs. Not just any drugs though... freaking heroin. The real stuff.

I wish I could say that I tagged this one to be the shadester from the beginning but I actually thought she was the sweet one. Goes to show how great my judge of character is. I'm thinking this could be the start of a beautiful friendship for Salwa and Teen Mom's Amber Portwood.
Chicks that rehab/prison together, stay together.


This might be my most favorite story of the week...  Little Miss Teen Delaware has officially resigned from her fancy title and has given her sparkly crown back. Turns out, this class act of an 18 year old has bigger ambitions in life. She was recently quoted in a questionable video saying something along the lines of "I like being on top" and she isn't talking about the beauty queen pyramid.

Yep, that's right, this little lady recently stared in a good, old fashioned porno and she doesn't intend to stop now. Well, ok then... Maybe she'll be offered to take Salwa's spot on Buckwild, I really feel like she'd be a great choice for season 2.

All I know is that the runner up didn't realize that when she jokingly called this chick a whore for beating her, she wasn't really that far from the truth.

It looks like Taylor Swift dressed in disguise on Tuesday night and attended a One Direction show. Ok, just kidding, I don't have confirmation of that but Harry Styles did get nailed in the man jibblets by a shoe while performing on stage and I just can't help but hope it was some undercover T.Swizzy friend who got paid off. Not that I would ever do that to one of my exes or anything...

Though I really wouldn't mind getting the shoe-thrower's rates. Someone's got great aim.
I'd also like to know if T.Swizzle really is paying someone to do this and when the next show will be. Probably the only time I'd pay to see One Direction.


Pornos, heroin, and shoes to crotch.
What a week!

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