Whitney's What the? Wednesday

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

I yelled at a man mowing grass before 8am this morning, so if I'm slightly feisty today blame it on the man who interrupted my dog while she was trying to do her morning biznass.

For those of you who guessed that I hate scary movies yesterday, you're right. I prefer to pee pee in the potty, not in my pants. Thank you. As for the other two... well, find me in an old bar in Tallahassee and there's a good chance I'm at the jukebox searching for Journey or Eddie Money songs to drunkenly belt out. And my blankie... well, I don't really have anything to say for myself. I wrap it around my neck when I sleep and use it as a pillow. Call me weird, it's cool.

Alright, let's dish some celeb goods now.

It's been quite a month for our resident pretty boy, Biebz. Turns out a bunch of crazy dudes have been plotting to castrate and murder sweet little Beauty and a Beat. Don't worry Max, the psycho castrators were recently captured and taken to jail... complete with the creepy scarf they've been carrying around to use on our pop prince's man jibblets.

Hang in there, big guy. Whatever man jibblets Selena left you with are going to be safe and sound.

Be sure to send Canadian border patrol a nice fruit basket for that one.

Next let's have a quick chat about Eve. If you have no idea who Eve is, don't worry - I forgot she existed too. She's the one with the paw prints on her knockers. I think she used to rap but that's up in the air, I didn't really feel like putting the energy in to Googling what she used to do before she fell off the Earth. Especially since she's been bad mouthing my Queen of Pop, Brit Brit. She was recently quoted saying that B.Spizzle's part in Will.i.am's new song, Scream and Shout, isn't actually B.Spizzle singing.

My guess is, if you put it in blogging terms, her pageviews are low and she's stirring shit up to get them back up. 

Meanwhile, Brit Brit is packing her bags for Vegas and is all, "It's really Britney, Bitch.".

Apparently there was a crasher at the Grammy's who pulled off the crash of the century. His name is something I've yet to learn but for the purpose of this post we'll call him Vitamin Sudoku, because that's what I read when I saw his name. This guy managed to make his way in the Grammy's, sat in Adam Levine's seat, and even presented a Grammy to J.Lo on stage, all without obtaining any credentials to the event at all. Homie has skills.

There's old Vitamin Sudoku on the far left. J.Lo's leg is just as confused as everyone else is as to who he is. And maybe also a little bit confused as to what the eff Adele is actually wearing.

Unfortunately for event crashers everywhere who were inspired by this little stunt, Vitamin has been arrested for trespassing and has to go to court. Nice try though.

It's no secret around here that I am a loyal fan to my girl, Miley Cyrus. Whether she's just being Miley, or that British kid from Harry Potter, I stand behind her - holding her beautiful, long weave, slightly missing Hannah Montana. Just a little. If you follow her at all, even just a little, you may have caught on that homegirl has a new puppy every other week. Seriously, she must own a farm of dogs. Well, she posted this little nonchalant of her, her sweet little puppy, a keyboard small enough for the puppy to play, oh and some herbs that appear to have recently been grinded up.

Alright then... That's one hell of a photobomb, Mary Jane.

Lastly, a pregnancy announcement. It looks like Feralicious will be joining the pregnant mafia with Kate, Kimmy and J.Simps. If I wasn't already painfully jealous that she gets to lay on top of Josh Duhamel Tad Hamilton whenever she pleases, I'm super jealous now. Sigh.

And another one bites the dust.

Have you voted today? No sign up necessary and you can vote 50 times a day.

Pretty please with unicorn fairy dust on top??

comments | | Read More...

A Misunderstanding About Color

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

The siblings who live across the street were over in our driveway playing with Kayla and Lucas.

At one point someone got out a soccer ball and they started kicking it across the driveway. Then they decided to form teams. Or as much of a team as you can make with 4 kids.

Lucas stood on one side of the driveway with the ball and excitedly called out to the other boy, T, "You're black! You're on my team!"

T, a 4th grader, who was on his way over to Lucas, paused in his tracks. As he stood there I could see the confusion on his face. I could see him mentally trying to work out why the color of his skin meant he was on Lucas's team.

I was 99.99% sure that Lucas didn't mean it that way. That he wasn't calling T black and saying that was why he was on his team. But I was trying to figure out Lucas-speak and what point he was trying to make in determining the 'teams.'

Lucas, oblivious to his use of color and pronoun, again called out to T, "C'mon - you're black! You're with me on the black team!"


Then the light bulb went off and I quickly reassured T by explaining what Lucas meant.

"Your shirt! Your shirt is black and so is his. You're both wearing black shirts so you're on the same team!" Whew! Glad to clear that up!


Lucas confirmed by saying, "Yeah! And Kayla and T (T's sister is also T) are red! (They both happened to be wearing red on their shirts). They're on the red team...on the red team is the bad team!"

Just to make sure Lucas didn't slip-up with any more references of one color being bad, innocent as he is, I made sure to tell him, "Red doesn't mean bad. They aren't the bad team. They're just the opposing team. They are your opponents, but the color of their team isn't bad." Wouldn't want him to say something and have it taken the wrong way.


 

comments | | Read More...

I'll tell the truth tomorrow, mom, don't you worry.

Today I'm supposed to tell a lie on my blog.

If you're new around here, you may not know this, but I'm usually straight forward. No lies, no sugar coats. 

There's a huge reason for this.

When I think about lying, I cringe a little bit. A lot a bit, actually.

You see, growing up my mom was a huge advocate for always telling the truth. I couldn't even get away with a pea sized white lie. No, seriously, if I only hate 4 peas but I told her I ate 5 I was in trouble. 

This probably explains why I've been tagged as honest to a fault on many occasions.

The back story on this goes a little something like this...

I had a little boyfriend in 6th grade named Tony, he was friends with some people I wasn't allowed to be friends with because of their reputations. Yes, it is possible to have a reputation in 6th grade... if you're my mother.

Let's call one of the girls in this group Danielle.

Danielle was the girl who taught other girls how to stuff their bras, was always in the office because her skirts didn't meet her finger tips, her tank tops were never 4 fingers wide and she had her first kiss far before the rest of us.

To say my mother wouldn't let me near Danielle would be an understatement.

I'm pretty sure she paid the principal off to assure I wasn't in any of the same classes as Danielle.

Well, one day Tony invited me to go to the movies. A double date. With Danielle and her flavor of the day.

Oh. Shit.

Of course I wanted to go, Tony had the coolest Jansport backpack in the entire grade. He was the total cats pajamas. I had to keep my composure and figure out a way to get around this Danielle scenario because if I knew anything it was that I couldn't be the loser who wasn't allowed to hang out with Danielle.

After pacing my room for what felt like 2 hours I figured it out. I was going to pull off the gymnastics routine of the century and pull a real fast one on my mom. I mean, after all, my dad was always the one to drive me to and from the movies. He didn't know Danielle from Kathryn.

So, I told my mom the biggest lie I've told in my entire life. (still to this day)

I was going to the movies with Tony, Kathryn and her friend Nick. That was that.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, let me tell you. It went wrong. REAL wrong.

Kathryn called my house while I was supposedly at the movies with her.

Oh, yes she did.

The movie ends and we walk outside to get picked up by our parents.

There stands my mother... tapping her toe, fire in her eyes. My face flushed white and I think I felt my heart jump to my throat. I was in deeeeep doo doo.

I still chalk this story up to my lack of popularity throughout the rest of my grade school life.

And also why I fear telling lies.

Really... it's probably because I used to do this in my free time.

Ok. So, now that I've got that down. You all know how uncomfortable I am with this link up, but when my ladies host a link up I just have to support them. I'm biting the bullet. Just please, no one tell my mother. She might try and shut down my blog if she catches wind that I'm being influenced to lie again.
(insert shutter here)


1. I love scary movies.

2. I still sleep with a blankie.

3. I love 80's music. 

I'll tell the truth tomorrow, mom, don't you worry.





PS. Pleeeeeassseeee vote as many times as you can. We're catching up to first but there are some fierce competitors! 

comments | | Read More...

A weekend of shenanigans.

Monday, 18 February 2013

Oh, Monday. Monday, Monday, Monday.

I woke up this morning frozen solid. And I know that's not what any of you Northerners want to hear from this little twit from Florida, but I am an actual Whitsickle this morning and I just had to say it.

Perhaps my state is just trying to prep me for my trip to NYC this weekend? All I know is that my Florida blood is not prepared for anything I'm about to encounter this Friday - Sunday.

I had a pretty phenomenal weekend which can only mean one thing. 

I've got to blog about it.

After all, Monday may be the most hated day of the week but as far as blogging is concerned, it's pretty much the sluttiest easiest day of the week. 

Especially when one of my favorite gals is hosting a link up dedicated to the weekend! 

As I told you all, Friday was my little polar bear nugget, Ella's, birthday! We had a little happy hour celebration for her. And by her, I mean there was one other dog which she was not related to. Girl doesn't get out much, what can I say?

Here we are, just celebrating our hearts out.

Maybe that thrilled look on her face is why more friends didn't show up to her party.

Friday night we took my mom out for sushit.

and by "sushit" I mean "sushi"... That was an actual error I just didn't want to fix right now.

I should probably reevaluate my vocabulary after that one.

We drank way too much saki and kind of wanted to die Saturday morning.

What do you do when you want to die on Saturday morning? 

Well... you go to Disney and drink it off, of course.

We were greeted at Disney by the most enthusiastic parking attendant I have ever witnessed. Homie was dancing from space to space with a smile on his face that put Super Bowl sign language man to shame. 

You know why Disney is really cool?

This pretzel right here.

Which may, or may not, have entertained me for a solid 5 minutes while I waited for my beer.

We got seats at the American Idol experience.

It used to be one of my favorite things at Hollywood Studios until the girl I wanted to win didn't win.

I think it was rigged.

Here is an attractive photo for you.

And another.

I was really cold.

And possibly intoxicated. 

Sunday I was shockingly productive so I don't have much to brag about.

Except I had pomegranate seed things and they were absolutely delicious.

And also some delicious Bagel Bites.

And my most favorite champagne ever.

And that's it, ladies and gents.

Now I must go back to work and figure out what I'm going to wear when I'm in NYC this weekend.

#firstworldproblems

Oh, oh! I almost forgot.
My man friend and I are trying to win some iPad minis.
Vote for us please?
Also, you can vote 20 times a day... just in case you really want to help a sister out.

comments | | Read More...

The day I purchased a magical, hair washing unicorn.

Friday, 15 February 2013

Hey there, Friday, you sweet thang. How you doin?

Today is a special day.

Today is my first born's 7th birthday.

Which I think means she's definitely old enough to celebrate this birthday much like I celebrated my 21st birthday. Though, seeing as she's my first born, I hope my precious angel will take it a little easier than I did. 

Seems like just yesterday I was bringing home this little 1 pound, furry nugget. 

I hope you and your boyfriend, Mr. Neck Pillow, have a great day. 

Mama loves you.

Ok, now that the important stuff is out of the way, I really need to talk about going to the hair salon. I was there on Tuesday after work and I realized that I will pretty much submit to anything for the sake of my hair and it's really starting to get out of control. 

First of all, when the hell did we agree that allowing someone to make us look like this in public, regardless of how long, is ok?

The things I agree to for the sake of keeping up the facade of being a blonde. 

I digress.

The great thing about going to the salon is that I use it as an excuse to get my day drink on. I tell my boss I have a doctors appointment, then I go to my hair appointment around 3 o'clock and drink my little juice box of wine while my stylist makes me blonde again.

Typically this is when I start getting weak. Very weak.

My hair is getting played with, I'm feeling real good from the wine and the conversation is flowing as smoothly as the wine. I'm in my happy place.

Then it's time for them to wash my hair.

The head massage.

Consider me putty in their hands from there on out.

And then it comes time to pay.

I'm slightly buzzed and I no longer have any concept of my budget diva lifestyle.

Expensive, fancy shampoo and conditioner that will make my hair be strong and grow?

Basically spinach for my Popeye hair...

Yep. 

Sign. Me. Up.

I can't even act like I haven't considered putting notes on these two bottles, pleading for anyone who showers at my apartment to not touch them. I may actually shed a tear or few the first few times I used this stuff.

Because I made the purchase on Tuesday and I haven't been able to convince myself to use them yet.

Maybe because I'm afraid that when I open those bottles and a magical, hair washing unicorn wont fly out, I'll be horribly disappointed. I don't know.

Just go ahead and chalk that up to wine induced bad decisions.

And if you've used this stuff and it sucks... just please don't even tell me. Tell me it's liquid gold. Tell me the unicorn will come out of these bottles like I Dream of Jeannie. Because that's what I feel like I've purchased. Because I'm an idiot.

comments | | Read More...