Letter To My Daughter

Monday, 23 December 2013

Dear Kayla,

I will be the first to admit I'm not a great mom. I know I have many faults and have made many mistakes in raising you. The incident over the necklace is just one example of those parenting mistakes.

When I picked you up from school the other week and your aide told you to show me what your friend/classmate gave you I was expecting it to be another one of those rubber band bracelets you've been coming home with.

I wasn't expecting to see the dainty, silver necklace with the "K" around your neck.

I admit to having almost two simultaneous thoughts. The first being absolutely touched that your friend gave you a gift like that. I had to hold back the tears.

Immediately following that thought was a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach as I thought to myself that this gift was going to end up broken in no time.

I was surprised to even see you wearing that necklace. You don't like to wear anything on your arms, around your neck, or in your hair. So while I was touched by the gift she gave you I also felt like it was kind of wasted on you as it would end up sitting on your dresser, or more likely, broken.

On the way to therapy I kept pointing out your necklace and how nice it was of "I" to give it to you and how important it was to take care of it. I kept mentioning that you had to be careful with your necklace so it didn't break.

You were great about keeping it on the rest of the day. That night after I finished making dinner I went upstairs to get you and noticed all the lights were off. I found you in bed with your pajamas on. You said you were tired so I cuddled up beside you and started rubbing your back.

I don't know what made me think about your necklace, must have been intuition, but I reached up to your neck and asked you where you necklace was. You said, "It broke."

I admit I reacted a bit too strongly to the news of what I figured would happen had happened so soon after receiving the gift - that it didn't even last a full day.

I jumped out of your bed and said, (ok more like yelled), "What?! Kayla where is your necklace?!"

You told me it was on your dresser and there I found it split in the middle - no way for me to fix it.

I was so upset and didn't control my feelings well at all. I yelled at you about not being responsible and taking care of your things and look at what happens you end up breaking your stuff. Then I continued in my childish ways and stomped down the stairs so frustrated.

You came down for dinner and sat at the table where I was still fuming over the broken necklace and I didn't let it go. I continued to be upset about it and harp on you about breaking a necklace that someone gave you and how this was such a special gift.

Of course it was no surprise when you left the table and I heard you in the bathroom crying.

I sat at the table and cried too.

Cried because I was ashamed at the way I just reacted and cried at the way that I treated you and cried that I yelled at you and mostly cried because my actions caused you to cry.

I heard you in the bathroom crying and saying, "It broke itself. I didn't do it, it broke itself."

And there I went again, "Kayla it didn't just break by itself! You had to have done something to cause it to break the way it broke. You did something, you weren't careful!"

More tears. From both of us.

I finally went to you and in a more calm voice asked you if you were trying to take your shirt off when you changed to your pajamas; and when you pulled your shirt over your head did the necklace get caught and break? You said yes, but it's hard to know if that's what really happened.

I pulled you in to a hug and apologized to you. I told you I was sorry for yelling at you about the necklace. I told you I still loved you. I know it didn't make everything better, but I wanted you to know I was sorry and that I still loved you despite my less-than-desirable behavior. 

I don't even know why I was so upset over the necklace. I tried to find the words to explain it to you, but I don't think we got very far.

I think it was because this necklace meant more to me than it did to you. I think I've always put a lot of importance on material things ... attached memories to them and they became my memories. Material things became important to me. I had scrapbooks filled with things from my growing up years. Things that I kept because this person or that person gave it to me, or tickets to this movie or that movie because I went with so-and-so.

I was so touched that this girl gave you a present, I think maybe for Christmas. I don't know how many other girls she might have given a gift to as well, or if you were the only one, but either way, you were one that she did chose to give a gift to. You were included. She thought of you and wanted to give you something and I wanted that to mean something to you.

And you were happy about it- I could see it in your face when you showed it to me. But I wanted you to be like me. I wanted you to be responsible like I was when I was your age. I wanted you to take care of your things. I wanted you to just know how you were supposed to take care of the necklace. I wanted you to take pride in it.

I think my anger was anger at myself that I unfairly directed at you. Anger because of my own image of you doesn't always reflect the person who you are. Anger at myself because sometimes I blame your having Down syndrome on things that frustrate me. I had the fleeting thought that if you didn't have Ds you might have cared more about the necklace, might have been more careful when changing your clothes, might have just known how to be gentle with it. I know that's not fair and that is one of my faults. I never said I was perfect. I know I'm far from it.

I know there was no reason to be so upset over a $5 necklace from Claire's. The "K" charm on it was still intact; all I had to do was replace the chain. I did apologize to you, but I'm saying it again that I'm sorry I went overboard. I was just hoping the gift of this necklace would last longer than an afternoon.

I did go to Claire's and get a new chain. But by then I had traumatized you about the necklace because you refused to wear it. I convinced you it would be ok to wear it to school and that your friend would be happy to see you wearing the gift she gave you. You finally relented and I've been able to get you to wear it a few times now.

It looks so pretty on you.

I'm not the best mom, but I am trying to be better. Thank you for forgiving me for my faults.

Love, your Mom.

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3 on the 21st: A Blog Hop

Friday, 22 November 2013

This post is part of the monthly 3 on the 21st Down syndrome blog hop.

The blog hop is simple: Post 1 tip, 1 truth, and 1 picture about Down syndrome/disability.

1 Tip: Whenever the opportunity arises, like when you're with another family who has a child with Down syndrome, or reading a book about Ds, or participating in a Buddy Walk, simply point out to your child that they have Down syndrome. "You know your friend over there has Down syndrome? Just like you do." "See the boy in this book? He has Down syndrome, like you." "We're walking in the Buddy Walk because of you - because you have Down syndrome." That way your child will hear it in a straight-forward way, become used to the term Down syndrome and come to realize it's just a natural part of who they are.
Then one day you might have this conversation with your child, like I had with Kayla.

Me, "Kayla do you know what Down syndrome is?"
K, "My eyes."
Me, "What about your eyes?"
Kayla, "So beautiful."

1 Truth: Kids with Down syndrome can and do participate in extra-curricular school activities. Kayla was just notified that she she was accepted in to the drama club at school. I'm so excited for her because she had such a fun time this summer participating in Missoula Children's Theater production of Snow White.

1 Picture: She looks so grown up to me in this photo!

 

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Family Resemblances

Thursday, 21 November 2013

I've always thought that Lucas looked quite a bit like my brother Michael when he was a toddler.

I don't have a lot of nice, clear quality pictures of Michael from years ago, but here are a couple.

 A sampling of pictures during Lucas's toddler years...

But then Joe's mom shared this picture of Joe as a kid.

My first thought, "Wow that could be Lucas!"

Kayla and Lucas both thought this was Lucas, "Who am I playing with?"

I showed this to my mom and she said, "Where was this taken and who is Lucas with?"

My sister realized this was an older picture and therefore not Lucas, but her response was, "That's not Lucas! That's Michael!" Ha!

And seeing how I think he resembles my brother, he must somewhat resemble me too when I was a baby.

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Sticky Love Notes

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Unbeknownst to me Lucas found the "sticky notes" on the computer. He proceeded to type up 2 notes and was excited to show them to me.

I know he's just starting to learn typing at school; he's told me about learning some of the home keys starting with F and J.

So I know he's not adept at typing away on the computer; he doesn't know where all the keys are yet. I wonder how long it took him to type these 2 notes using the 'hunt and peck' method.

I'm glad that he's so secure in the knowledge that he is loved!

 

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Royal Fairytale Ball

Sunday, 27 October 2013

We have taken the kids to a few plays at Creative Spark Center For the Arts and they have really enjoyed them. They are close to the action and the cast involves the crowd in parts of the play.

I saw they were having a Royal Fairytale Ball and the whole family was encouraged to dress up. I knew this was something my kids would enjoy so I signed us up. I only had to buy one item to complete our Royal Family transformation.

I was a queen. I wore the red bridesmaid dress from my sister's wedding and pinned my kids' dress up king/queen robe to my dress and wore the red headband crown from Kayla's outfit.

Kayla was a princess in a red and gold gown that my mom got her last year for Christmas. My dress matched hers almost perfectly. She wore the tiara that she wore when she was a flower girl in the above-mentioned wedding.

Lucas wore the knight cape with his shield and sword that he got for his birthday last year. He thought it was pretty cool that he was the only knight. (considering there were only 2 other boys, one a toddler and one a little older, odds were in his favor!)

Joe could have went as a king, but he opted for the jester hat that I picked up for him at the store. Every royal family needs a jester.

Joe wasn't alone in his jester-ness!

Twirling and dancing (notice she couldn't keep her tiara on as referenced in my sensory post; nor the necklace she tried on at home or the one they gave her there.)

Protecting the jester and chasing the Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk

Having her palm read.

Also, this family won the best dressed royal family award. One of my kids will be attending a free summer class next year!

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School Pictures

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

I'm pretty pleased with how their school pictures came out this year.

My Kindergartener ...

 My 4th grader ...

 

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Sometimes You Meet Someone

Thursday, 17 October 2013

In the summer of 2012 Kayla was invited to participate in the Charleston RiverDogs' HOPE Week.

The RiverDogs is the local minor league baseball team - a Class A Affiliate of the NY Yankees. HOPE Week (Helping Others Persevere & Excel) is a Yankee organization week-long community program that all of their affiliates participate in.

Being a Boston Red Sox fan I had to totally look past the whole Yankee-connection in letting Kayla participate!

She was the guest of honor at the Lowcountry Children's Museum where several players came to hang out for a few hours.

During her time at the museum Kayla connected with (now former) pitcher Dan Mahoney. When she was done with an activity she wanted to make sure he was following her to the next exhibit! They spent a fair amount of time together at the museum and he was a good sport at going along with what she wanted to do.

Getting pitching tips from Dan before she threw out the first pitch for the game that night.

A couple of months later we were at another game for Military Night and the kids both got to throw out a 'first pitch' ball. During the game Kayla kept looking for Dan and saying, "That my friend! He's my buddy!" After the game he came out of the locker room to meet with us for several minutes.

Before long the season ended and Dan headed home for the off-season; and to prepare for his wedding a few months later. He kept in touch with us via Facebook and I was floored when I received a message from him and his soon-to-be-wife letting me know of their plans.

In lieu of giving out wedding favors for their guests they were going to be making a donation to an organization and asked for our input on organizations that we support. I can't even tell you how touched I was by that gesture.

They used this picture of Kayla and Dan (I have to admit I cringed, cringed, when the RiverDogs gave Kayla this HOPE Week shirt at the game. Cringed that I was putting clothing on my daughter with a Yankee logo! Ha!)

They had this letter explaining their reasons for not having wedding favors and what they were doing instead. (Ultimately the donation ended up going to Research Down Syndrome when Joe ran in the Disney Half Marathon).

Sometimes you meet someone ...and you don't know how you'll make an impact on them, or how they will make an impact on you.

Thank you Dan and Laura!


 

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Girl Scout Fun

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

I recently signed Kayla up for Girl Scouts (as if we don't have enough going on!) but a friend of mine convinced me to give it a try. Her 2 daughters are in this troop and Kayla knows them too.

Another opportunity for Kayla to get out, be social, and make new friends.

Last weekend we had our first event/outing with the troop (pumpkin patch) and Kayla had a great time. Looking forward to next month's trip to go ice skating!

 

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Mother-Son Time

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Since Lucas started Kindergarten I don't get many chances to spend time with just him anymore. I remember the same feeling after Kayla was in school and Lucas was born ... not having much mother-daughter time with Kayla. It was rare to get to spend some one-on-one time with her.

I know it's important for each child to have some alone time with each parent for that undivided attention, and while my intentions are good for trying to schedule that, I often fail at finding the time. Weekends are usually pretty packed doing things together as a family that we don't get much time to go our own ways with each child.

As preschool was winding down for Lucas I was treasuring the last few times we were able to do things together like the occasional breakfast at IHOP which was a treat for him since Kayla can't eat there.

Looking back on my time with Lucas before he started Kindergarten I feel like I didn't take advantage of all the 'free' time we had together. That I didn't get us involved in enough things. That we didn't have enough special days together exploring our community. Although Joe said it seemed like I was always telling him what Lucas and I did over the week; I look back and can't remember much of what we did!

A couple of weekends ago I had planned for us to go, as a family, to Drayton Hall since it was free for Smithsonian Museum Day. We've been to this plantation before, and while the kids aren't too interested in the house tour, it is nice to walk the grounds and take the trails by the river and the marsh walk.

Kayla ended up having a friend over to play that day and when her friend wasn't going to the plantation Kayla wanted to stay home instead. Lucas said he still wanted to go to the plantation and since Drayton Hall is part of the Charleston Explorers Club we could get the kids' passports stamped.

So Lucas and I spent a nice afternoon together; just the two of us, exploring the grounds of Drayton Hall, and counting all the large spider webs on our marsh walk. And it reminded me that I need to make more of an effort to find time for Joe-Lucas, Joe-Kayla, Me-Kayla, Me-Lucas time together!

 We thought it was pretty neat to see how this tree grew around this old railroad tie and eventually lifted it off the ground.

 

How do other families fit in time with each child to have one-on-one time with each parent?

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Buddy Walk 2013

Friday, 11 October 2013

Last weekend we participated in our 11th annual Buddy Walk. It seems odd to say 11th annual when Kayla is only 10, but we walked in our first one the year she was born, 2003, when she was just shy of 3 months old. Technically this was our 12th total walk since we participated in two walks in 2009 when we lived in MD.

From what I can remember of each of the 12 walks ... we've always had a nice, sunny day ... except one time. That cold, rainy day from the Northern VA walk. I'm talking coats, scarves, and gloves kind of cold!

I guess when you've lived in NM and SC the walks usually end up being warm/hot and sunny. And add humid to the mix when you're on the east coast! Last weekend was no different. Although there was some rain that day, it seemed to have rained all around the area ... except Daniel Island where the walk was held.

Kayla enjoyed snuggling up to this sweet baby (and she kept trying to wake him up!) He was born at Holloman AFB, NM ... just like Kayla was!


Our team, minus my mom who stayed under the shade!


Kayla's BFF


At the end of the walk: red, hot, and sweaty!


With the band:
 

Future drum major?
 

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