Pancreatic Cancer: Know It, Fight It, End It

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month. One of the main awareness events that happens in November throughout the country are PurpleStride walks/5Ks to raise funds for the Pancreatic Action Network. 

Last year we went to Savannah for the PurpleStride walk.

That was 4 months after my dad passed away. He had been attending the walks in Orlando and we didn't get a chance to go with him, so I wanted to honor his memory at the Savannah walk.

It was hard. Harder than I thought it would be. While I'm glad we went in his memory there is a small part of me that thinks it was too soon.

At the last one my dad attended in Orlando he told me spoke in front of the crowd as one of the survivors.

It was hard last year knowing he was no longer a survivor. Knowing he wouldn't be going to any more PurpleStride walks and speaking to the crowd.

I've been flip-flopping over whether I wanted to make the trip to Savannah this year to do the walk again (Savannah is the closest one to us). A part of me wanted to go to continue honoring his memory.

But a part of me didn't. I admit to being somewhat bitter. I didn't want to go to an event that would be a constant reminder that my dad is no longer here. I didn't want to go to an event and raise funds for treatment and a cure that is too late for my dad. Yes, just a little bit bitter.

I am absolutely not saying that it isn't important to keep raising funds for pancreatic cancer research, treatment, and cures for the people who are currently fighting this disease, and for the people who are yet to be diagnosed. It is important. The 5 year survival rate for this type of cancer is just 6%. (My dad fought it for 3 years). It's the only major cancer with a 5 year survival rate in the single digits and has remained that way for 40 years.

There are no early detection methods and the symptoms that do appear could be attributed to other medical conditions (my dad was first diagnosed with pancreatitis). More than half of the diagnoses are made in the latter stages. Surgery offers the best chance, but only about 15% of cases are caught early enough for this surgery...and even with surgery this cancer recurs in approximately 80% of patients.

So yes, more research is desperately needed. Only about 2% of the National Cancer Institute's budget is allocated to pancreatic cancer, the 4th leading cause of cancer deaths.

I'm not denying that there isn't a need in the pancreatic cancer community for events like PurpleStride to raise funds and awareness ... there is ... I'm just saying that I'm also bitter and still mourning for my dad and that I know my participating won't help my father. Sometimes that is still hard for me to come to grips with.

I didn't know if I could put my emotions aside and do the walk this year. But the decision ended up being made for me. The Partners in Policymaking class that I'm involved in meets the 3rd weekend of every month and the walk in Savannah is on the same weekend I need to be in Columbia for class.

I won't be at the walk this year, but I can still donate, raise awareness, and always, always honor and remember my dad.

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The World Series, The Red Sox, and My Dad

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Sports has a way of connecting people. A common bond among strangers. A love for a team passed down through generations. Celebrating a win over the water cooler with co-workers.

My dad loved sports. He was a fan of the 4 major sports teams in the Boston area: Red Sox, Celtics, Patriots, and Bruins. He followed them all and rooted for them all, but he was extra passionate about the Red Sox.

He played baseball from early on and continued playing softball in the military on base teams. I wanted to be like him and attempted to play softball in school. I touched on his love of sports on the eulogy I wrote.

As I mentioned, he was a huge Red Sox fan. His father was a huge Red Sox fan. And I'm sure his father's father was a Red Sox fan as well. I am my father's daughter; therefore, I too, am a Red Sox fan.

Sports was my connection with my dad. That thing we had. I couldn't, and didn't, play softball well at all, but I could sure talk about the Red Sox (or Celtics, or Bruins, or Patriots) with my dad.

When my dad joined FB our conversations became even more centered around sports. He was a coach from home - critiquing the game and coaches' decisions from the first play. He let his opinions be known of trades that happened during the season and during the off-season.

A glimpse into some of our FB conversations:

Feb 2011: Me to my Dad: I know you've wanted the Celtics to trade Perkins, so you're probably happy about that ... but Nate Robinson too? He was productive coming off the bench for Rondo; they shouldn't have traded him. And w/Shaq's injuries they really need another big man with KG.

Dad: What, he was traded? Let me check this out. I didn't hear this till you posted it. I wanted a big man in the middle. I didn't want Robinson traded but now that West is back, he is just as good.

Aug 2011: Dad: I thought we had a chance to come back but not now after Napoli hit that home run. CJ Wilson owns the Red Sox. (I have to laugh at finding this one because Napoli was on the Red Sox this year and helped them win the WS.)

Apr 2012: Dad: Bowden is a young starting pitcher that started with the sox last year. He only pitched 3 inning this year and gave up 2 hits and one run and was sent down to aaa. Marlon Byrd is an outfielder with 3 singles in 43 at bats this year. The point I was making is that we don't need any more outfielders, we need any kind of pitching. I know we have 2 starters on the dl from the outfield but we have AAA to bring any up if we need one, but not to trade for one and have another contract.

It was 3-0 when I started this post. Now they are losing 4-3 after the post. We don't have one reliable starter. Doubront seems to be doing the best. Their last starting pitcher.

The only 3 doing good on offense are Aviles, Sweeney, and Ortiz. Ortiz is leading the a.l. in batting average.

That is what I'm missing from my dad during the different sport seasons.

My dad has a brick at Fenway Park (as does his father), he was buried in a Red Sox jersey and Red Sox hat in his hands. He has this at his grave site.

  A lifelong and forever fan...

So when the Red Sox won the World Series last week it was bittersweet. As a fan I was ecstatic. As my father's daughter I missed sharing that moment with him. It was hard not being able to talk to him, to hear the shared excitement in his voice, to picture the smile on his face as he likely would have said something like, "Wow Michelle, they did it! Another World Series! It took almost all my life to see them win 1 World Series and now they have 3 in 10 years!" to re-hash the Series. It made me miss him even more. It brought back the reality of him being gone.

When the Sox won in 2004 my dad sent me a World Series t-shirt and commemorative baseball.
When they won again in 2007 he sent me a couple more commemorative baseballs from the post-season.
Now they've won in 2013 and there won't be anything else coming from my dad this time. Bittersweet.

They finished in last place last season. They had a manager and players that just didn't mesh well. Which, in a way, might have been sort of fitting since my father passed away in July of that year. I wouldn't have felt like celebrating any post-season play last year.

But this team, this bunch of bearded-clad players ... my dad would have enjoyed them. He would have liked the players they brought in. He would have liked the coach. He would have liked their never-quit attitude. He would have liked their personalities. He would have liked the team mentality.

I guess he still did enjoy this team and this season and this World Series win ... it was just in a different place than here. And he got to enjoy it with his father. I know they were celebrating together.

Even though my dad is no longer here, I guess we do still have that thing, that connection between us. We still have it because I won't be able to watch the Red Sox without thinking of my dad.

Thank you, Red Sox, for knowing how to bring together a city, and also for making this daughter, who is missing her father, feel just a little bit closer to him.

 

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Flying Wish Paper

Friday, 19 July 2013

On one of my mom's visits she brought Flying Wish Paper with her. She thought it would be a neat thing for the kids to do. They drew pictures and she lit their papers and they lifted off in the air to 'fly'. They had fun with it and there were plenty of papers left over to use for another time.

I had forgotten about that paper until I was trying to think of what to do to mark the 1- year anniversary of my father's death.

That evening we got out the Flying Wish Paper and sent our notes up to Heaven to my father; their Pepere.

I was really touched by what Kayla and Lucas came up with to write on their paper.

Lucas wrote, "Lucas loves Pepere so much that I can not forget you."

He was only 4 when my father passed away. I wonder how much of my dad he will actually remember. Kayla was 9 so she had a little bit more time to make memories with my dad, but I was 8 when my dad's mother passed away and my memories are very few and faint of her. I know we have to just keep talking about my dad and looking at his pictures to keep his memory alive for my kids.

Kayla's note said, "Dear Pepere, I like you. Don't die. Don't get in the coffin ok? I like you Pepere."

I know Kayla knows that he did in fact die, and he is in a coffin - they were there for the funeral. So I wonder if she was actually trying to express that she wished he didn't die, but she didn't know how to say that.

 

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Remembering My Dad

Friday, 12 July 2013

I dreaded this day coming; the one year mark to end my dad's 3.5 yr battle with pancreatic cancer.

"Eulogy for dad" has quickly become one of the top search phrases that have landed people on my blog. I hate that. But every time I see that phrase has led someone to my eulogy for my dad, I say a little prayer for the person who did that search.

Thank you all for your suggestions on what I should do to mark this day. I realized that last week when we were on our vacation we were doing things my dad would've loved to do. He loved being outdoors ... going for walks, hiking trails etc. He would have loved the pictures I shared. He would have laughed, and been surprised, at us continuing our walk in the rain to the waterfall. I could hear his voice in my head, teasing me about that, exclaiming that I took the kids out in the rain.

So today, to remember my dad, this is my to-do list:
- Have one of those good, long, ugly, hard cries
- If the rain holds off, take kids for a bike ride
- Pull up YouTube and listen to the hits by the Four Seasons: Working My Way Back To You, Big Girls Don't Cry, Sherry, Candy Girl, Walk Like A Man because when I was growing up I remember my dad listening to and singing those songs
A lot.
- Sit down w/Kayla and Lucas and look through pictures of my dad
- Pull out the old video tape from when Kayla was born and cross my fingers that I have my dad on that tape
- Write messages with the kids, to my dad, on Flying Wish Paper and send the wishes up in the sky
- Wear our Purple Stride Pancreatic Cancer walk shirts
- Wear our Boston Red Sox caps
- Take the kids bowling
- Smile
- Make a donation to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network
- Order flowers to be delivered to FL so someone can place them on my dad's grave site
- Try not to relieve what I was doing every hour of the day this time last year
- Probably have one more good cry

 

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The Last Pictures

Thursday, 4 July 2013

I spent last July 4th with my dad.

I knew since he decided to stop his chemo treatments (he didn't feel like they were working anymore) for pancreatic cancer that we would inevitably have to say goodbye to him sooner rather than later.

But last July 4th I wasn't expecting it to be so soon after that day.

July 4th was his last good day. The last day he was really alert, more mobile (although he still couldn't walk because of the blood clots in his leg), in great spirits, and 'with it' in his conversations with us. I guess it was something like a last 'surge' before his body shut down.

We left the next day, Thursday - July 5th, and exactly one week later he passed away. I still can't believe he's gone. I can't believe it's almost been a year since I said goodbye to my dad.

The days to that one-year anniversary are hurtling faster and faster towards me and I just want to stop time. I don't want July 12th to get here. I just want to skip over that day. I don't want to have to remember and associate July 12th with his death. I don't want to have to associate the July 4th holiday as the last time he had a good day, and that there are no more July 4th celebrations for him.

I don't like remembering that he's not here anymore.

As painful as these pictures are to look at I also cherish them ... the last pictures I have of my father.

Since I can't avoid July 12th I'm wondering what I can do to honor my dad on that date. We aren't going to be in Florida to visit his grave site ... so what can I do at home for him? For myself? For Kayla and Lucas to acknowledge the significance of this date? Any suggestions for something else besides maybe releasing balloons?


 

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