Speaking Up

Monday, 10 June 2013

A couple of weeks ago I was in a situation where someone used the "r-word" in a conversation with me.

I was in a store, checking out, and found myself at the register with a guy who had the word "manager" on his name tag.

I scanned my shopper reward card and as my information came up on his screen he attempted to address me by my name. As he got to my last name he paused and stumbled a bit in trying to pronounce it. I said my last name for him.

That's when he said, "I have trouble pronouncing names, I just end up sounding retarded."

Say what?!

My mind is thinking: You're the manager of the store. You should present yourself as more professional, especially when you're checking out a customer you don't know. You really had to say that? You couldn't stop at just saying 'I have trouble pronouncing names.'

And what does that even mean? You have trouble pronouncing names so you sound retarded.

So you sound like someone who has an intellectual disability and has trouble speaking?

So you sound like someone who has an intellectual disability and low muscle tone which makes enunciating certain sounds difficult for them?

So you sound like someone like....hmmm...my daughter? Someone who does her best to speak her words and tries to get her brain to connect the dots between making her mouth, tongue, and lips all work in sync to come together for perfect speech ... yet it doesn't happen. There are still times we, her family, have trouble understanding her. Hence the whole "Ms Frog had a baby snake" conversation.

Of course this guy knew none of this. Kayla wasn't with me. He didn't know I have a daughter with an intellectual disability.

But the point is, there was no reason for him to make that comparison in the first place. There was no reason for him to compare his trouble pronouncing names with sounding 'retarded.'

Was he expecting me to laugh at his little joke and find that funny?

I didn't immediately say anything (you know, my issue with uncomfortableness in confronting someone about their usage of the r-word). But while he was finishing with my transaction I kept telling myself to "say something! Find your backbone! Speak up! Advocate! An opportunity presented itself for you to find your voice...use it!"

So I did. I wouldn't say I was eloquent. I didn't know what to say and I know I spoke quickly and stumbled over myself. I just said something like, "Next time could you not use the word retarded? I have a daughter who has an intellectual disability and I'd just ask that you think before using that word again."

Of course he was apologetic and appeared embarrassed. I think we both felt a bit awkward. But I did it. I finally spoke up. I finally let someone know how I felt after hearing them use the r-word. I finally found my voice and my backbone.

And maybe, just maybe, (and hopefully), he will think about it the next time he goes to casually throw out that word in a conversation.

 

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Use Another Word

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Today is the annual Spread the Word to End the Word campaign ... where advocates everywhere are asking people to take the pledge to eliminate the derogatory use of the words retarded/retard from every day speech and promote the inclusion and acceptance of people with intellectual disabilities.

The word is used so carelessly and in just about every example of when it's used; it isn't even the right word for that situation. It doesn't make any sense to use the word as a catch-all for every possible negative scenario.

It makes the person sound uneducated; because really? Something was retarded? You don't think there were a number of other words that fit better in your sentence? Isn't your vocabulary a little more expansive than throwing the word retarded/retard around in your conversations?

I'm re-sharing the post I did last year: An Open Letter. There isn't anything more I could say about the subject.

It's time to find another word to use.

 

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An Open Letter

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

An open letter to those who use the words retard(ed) in casual, every day conversation.

As the parent of a child who has an intellectual disability I have to, I need to, be my child's voice - until she can speak for herself. And even then I will continue to advocate on her behalf.

The problem is I haven't been very good at it. At least not the part where I confront other people about their language. I still struggle with that. I don't like confrontation. I don't like controversies. I don't like drawing attention to myself. I don't like uncomfortable situations. Yet I need to start speaking up, louder, and finding my voice.

What I'm struggling with in finding my voice is bringing to someones attention when they use the r-word: Retarded or Retard in the slang way it's become common and acceptable to do now. 

The encounter usually happens with someone I don't know that well, someone I just met, someone I only see in a social situation once or twice a month. It's usually in a conversation taking place within a group. And then someone casually throws out, "Yeah my husband does x,y,z cause he's retarded like that."

I'm usually shocked by some of the people and places that I hear it being used. I didn't expect to hear it from a professional, from the military spouse of so-and-so, in the workplace between employee and client, from someone who knows Kayla, and on and on. I just didn't expect you to use such an ugly-sounding, derogatory, offensive word  - especially when the English language is so full of many other adjectives and verbs and nouns. Can't you find another, more appropriate, word to use instead?Is it really that hard?

What I want to say is:
"Actually, no, your husband is not retarded for doing x,y,z."
"No, that movie is not retarded because you didn't like it."
"No, those shoes are not retarded because you don't like the style."
"No, you are not retarded because you spilled coffee on yourself."
"No, that rule is not retarded just because it doesn't seem to make any sense to you."
"No, you're not retarded because you over-reacted to something."
"No, he is not retarded just because he did something that was silly, foolish, or childish."
"No, really, you're not retarded because you tripped over the curb."
"No, the server is not retarded because he didn't get your order right."
"No, that equipment is not retarded, it's just malfunctioning/not working right."

I also want to say, "Please change the word. Find a different word to use for that situation you are describing. It really hurts me to hear you use it that way ... I have a daughter with an intellectual disability."

Instead I groan inwardly and think to myself, oh no, you use that word? I feel a wall go up. How do I stop the conversation and change the topic completely? Usually there isn't a chance to pull the person aside and talk privately. So instead of making the whole group feel uncomfortable, I'm just the only one that is uncomfortable. I'm also afraid that if I bring up why that word bothers me then I'll get looks of pity because I have a child with Down syndrome...and I definitely don't want your pity.

Yes, I know, you weren't referring to my child. You didn't mean it in that way. It wasn't actually being used about someone who has been diagnosed with mental retardation*.

But in a roundabout way you did. Because what did that word originally mean?

Dictionary.com defines the word retard(ed) as:
1. To make slow; delay the development of or progress of (an action, process etc); hinder, impede.
2. To be delayed.
The origin of the word is Latin and means, again, to delay, protract, to loiter, be slow.

That's it. To be delayed. Which became a medical diagnosis for people who were delayed, or slow in their development.

But then it shows this:
Slang, disparaging
a. A mentally retarded person
b. A person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way.

Slang dictionary for retard:
A rude nickname for a retarded person (derogatory and unkind.)

Urban Dictionary's thesaurus for retarded shows these words: stupid, dumb, gay, annoying, crazy, ugly, drunk, ignorant, loser.

How far the word has changed from the original meaning. It has become so derogatory that Rosa's Law was passed. *This law changes the use of the terms 'mental retardation/mentally retarded' from federal health, education and policy, to 'intellectual disability and individual with an intellectual disability.'

Please stop and think about how the word retard(ed) sounds when it's used in every day conversation. Use another word. Take your pick: ridiculous, silly, doesn't make sense, klutz, accident, made a mistake. Use crazy, ugly, drunk, ignorant, loser if it fits - but don't use retarded in their place, because it shouldn't be a catch-all word for all those negative words.

Because my daughter, my beautiful, full-of-life, strong-willed, determined, amazing, capable, beautiful daughter ... is slow. She is delayed in her learning. She is delayed in her cognitive thinking skills. If she were born years ago she would have been slapped with the label of being mentally retarded.

Take the pledge to eliminate the derogatory use of the 'r-word' in every day speech and promote inclusion and acceptance of people with intellectual disabilities.

It's not about being politically correct, or free speech, it's about doing the right thing. It's about respect. It's about using the appropriate word in the situation.

And it's about my daughter. And all the other people who have intellectual disabilities.

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Not Acceptable

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

The folks at Spread The Word To End The Word have put together a pretty powerful PSA on the r-word. It airs tonight on Glee, in case you miss(ed) it, here it is:

"The r-word is the same as every minority slur. Treat it that way and don't use it."

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